Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awarenss - Tomorrow was my Due Date

I write today’s blog post with a heavy heart. Tomorrow, October 10th, 2018 would have been my due date. If I had stayed pregnant we would most likely be anxiously awaiting our child’s arrival. The nursery would have been ready, hospital bags would be packed. But instead, we have no baby on board and an unfinished “guest bedroom.” 

This room in my house is extremely neglected. It’s truly more of a junk room than anything. And unfortunately I simply cannot bring myself to turn it into the “guest bedroom” that it could be, because it’s not a guest bedroom. It is my baby’s room. And the fact that there is no baby hurts. I don’t want to turn it into a guest room. I really don’t want to put any effort into it until it’s time to fulfill its purpose. And I would rather it stay a junk room for years to come, than to convert it into anything other than a nursery.

As you all know, I’ve previously shared my journey, hurt and disappointment on my blog intimately, but very few people in my life actually know about our loss or about our struggle with infertility.

Knowing that my due date was approaching and that October is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, I felt it would be an appropriate time for me to share this intimate detail with my friends and family on Facebook. A few weeks ago I typed up the below post so it would be ready to share tomorrow and so I wouldn’t have to type it on the day of, when my feelings will be and are now, so incredibly raw. It is a way for me to honor the life of the child we lost, get some closure for myself and to also honor all women that have experienced loss by bringing awareness to this incredibly difficult thing that so many women go through.

 

"Dear Friends and Family,

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Because of this, I have decided to do my part in breaking the silence.

Today, October 10th, 2018 would have been my due date. Jonathan and I would’ve welcomed our first child to the world. As I write this, my heart still shatters to pieces. You see, we had been trying for over a year to start our family. After seeking medical advice, we then proceeded with fertility treatments. Second try, we had success! I was finally pregnant! Planning began, our hopes and dreams were finally coming true. I bought the baby book at the Barnes and Noble. I downloaded the pregnancy tracker app to my phone. I told my mom that she was going to be a Granny. My heart was overflowing with joy. 

And then a few days later, it was over. I was no longer pregnant. Just like that. It all happened so incredibly fast. Never did I get the chance to experience morning sickness, a growing tummy, see an ultrasound, or hear our baby’s heartbeat. By medical definition, I was having a “chemical pregnancy”. And I hate that it’s called that. 

What I do know, our baby was wanted. Our baby was prayed for. Our baby was loved. And I was completely devastated.

I still have sadness, and questions without answers. I’ll admit that I still have moments of weakness and anger. And I’m still not quite sure what the whole purpose of this happening to us is. But God has comforted me every single step of the way. He has never left me. He has been changing my heart throughout the healing process. He has faithfully given me peace, patience, strength and understanding that there is nothing I did wrong and nothing that I could have done differently. Those two facts alone have been a tremendous comfort.

I don’t want to go into too much detail or depth of what this experience has been like for us, because we are still in the midst of our journey. Still trying to start our family. Still battling infertility. Still on this rollercoaster ride. 

But I truly wanted to share as a way to give myself some type of closure. And to acknowledge the life of our child that I carried for only very a short time. By deciding with Jonathan that I would share this post, I already feel an overwhelming amount of peace. 

Last reason I wanted to share is to help break the silence and hopefully bring awareness of this sensitive topic to everyone on my friends list. Please be considerate of others when deciding to ask when they plan on finally having a baby. You do not know what they’ve been through, or how badly their heart aches for a child.

I was fortunate enough to have a small handful of very dear people show me their love and concern during my time of grieving and wouldn’t have known what to do without their support. Or without Jonathan’s never failing love and strength to lift me up and keep me sane.

1 in 4 women will experience pregnancy or infant loss. And so few will decide to ever publicly share their story. This is because it is so very personal, and it is one of the most painful, heart wrenching things anyone can even try to imagine. If you’re one of these women that has lost a pregnancy, I feel your hurt. I share in your sorrow. I’ll weep with you when you weep and I will rejoice for you when you do finally do get to a place of rejoicing. Please let me know privately if you are in need of comfort, prayers, a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear, and I can be there at a moments notice. I hope you know that you are not alone, and you don’t have to suffer through this in silence. There is a multitude of amazing, strong women that have been in your shoes and would be more than willing to try to help you along the way to finding peace and showing you love during the loss of your pregnancy or the loss of your child."

 

I’m sure I will get plenty of love and encouragement by sharing this post tomorrow. But it is still scary sharing such private information with what feels like the whole world. I also may receive some comments that don’t provide comfort, but maybe the exact opposite. Because sometimes people don’t really know what the wrong or right thing is to say. Truly, I don’t know what I expect from going public with this information. But I want to do this. And Jonathan agreed that he was also comfortable with me doing so. If this helps even one person, it will all be worth it.

God has provided me with an unending supply of love, courage and strength to get me through every bit of this. He has done this through my one on one time with Him in prayer and studying His Word, through the people he has placed in my life and by healing my heart daily. I am so incredibly blessed to know Him and His love for me so intimately. And I truly hope that I can encourage others to deepen their relationship with Him also. Our Father’s Love is a love like no other, and because of this I am able to confidently press onward in life, in this journey to starting our family and in my mission here while on this earth. To bring all the glory, honor and praise to Him and His kingdom.