Well, I am so sad to say, but I am no longer Pregnant. I have experienced a chemical pregnancy and it is absolutely devastating. 4 days of pure joy knowing that we were going to be parents, just taken away from us. I had been testing every morning to see the line get darker, and one day it didn't. I didn't think too much into it, but the following morning the test line was almost gone.
Upset, I woke Jonathan up and told him what was going on. I was so distraught and out of tests, Jonathan drove me to CVS to buy more. I got home and took the digital first, "Not Pregnant." I tell you, the pain I felt seeing those words felt like a knife to my heart. I cried out loud in Jonathan's lap. My sobs were simply uncontainable. I called my coworker and briefly explained to her that I was pregnant and now I am not anymore and I could not come to work. She was so extremely understanding and tried to comfort me with a few comments before letting me go. I called my OB who was able to work me in at 2:30 that day. And lastly, I called my mom who we had just told two days before that she was going to be a grandma. It broke me even more to tell her that wasn't the case anymore and I apologized as I felt as she was also robbed of something. I laid in bed crying until it was time to go to my appointment. I yelled out "Why?!" over and over again until my head hurt. I felt like I was going to vomit from being so worked up.
My OB did some bloodwork and a pelvic exam. There was still signs of implantation bleeding but she said with getting 4 days of positive tests, followed by a negative that I was more than likely having a Chemical Pregnancy. She tried to keep me positive that the Clomid worked and I ovulated and got pregnant, so it will happen again. But my sadness over losing this baby overshadowed any positivity she was sending my way. She told me to expect to start miscarrying in the next few days.
Jonathan met me afterwards for an early dinner. We went home and I just cried, and then would relax, and then cried some more. My heart just aches and its a feeling that I am only temporarily distracted from at times. I did return to work the following day and made it through. Friday morning I woke up with the worst cramps I believe I have ever had. I did make it into work, but started feeling sick from the pain. I went to the bathroom and got sick. At that point it was just so real to me that I was starting to miscarry. I couldn't help but to start crying more. My coworker told me to go home. I tried to sit a bit longer and the pain was not easing up, so I reluctantly went home. Jonathan met me there, set me up on the couch with my pillow and covered me up and held me while I just let it out. I know time will heal this hurt I am feeling, but until then I just feel broken. Angry and sad and disappointed and scared that it will happen again (when we decide we are ready to try again). Right now is day 4 of heavy bleeding. And I am hoping it eases soon. I really just want to throw myself into the gym and focus on healing my body and my mind. I would like to lose some of the weight that the 2 rounds of Clomid has caused me to gain. I need sometime to just take care of me before we think about trying again. Not sure how long that will be, but we will just take it one day at a time. I just wanted to put an update on here today. I did just get the call from my OB's nurse with the blood results, my BETA hcg was an 8, which is indicative of a pregnancy that it not viable. I have to go back on Valentine's day to confirm it is back in the "not pregnant" range of 0-5.
I am trying to remain hopeful that next time, everything will work out as its supposed to. But as of today, I am just not ready to completely let go of my sadness. I loved the baby that we had made and wanted him or her more than anything. My heart will always ache for the child I'll never get to know here on this earth.
Upset, I woke Jonathan up and told him what was going on. I was so distraught and out of tests, Jonathan drove me to CVS to buy more. I got home and took the digital first, "Not Pregnant." I tell you, the pain I felt seeing those words felt like a knife to my heart. I cried out loud in Jonathan's lap. My sobs were simply uncontainable. I called my coworker and briefly explained to her that I was pregnant and now I am not anymore and I could not come to work. She was so extremely understanding and tried to comfort me with a few comments before letting me go. I called my OB who was able to work me in at 2:30 that day. And lastly, I called my mom who we had just told two days before that she was going to be a grandma. It broke me even more to tell her that wasn't the case anymore and I apologized as I felt as she was also robbed of something. I laid in bed crying until it was time to go to my appointment. I yelled out "Why?!" over and over again until my head hurt. I felt like I was going to vomit from being so worked up.
My OB did some bloodwork and a pelvic exam. There was still signs of implantation bleeding but she said with getting 4 days of positive tests, followed by a negative that I was more than likely having a Chemical Pregnancy. She tried to keep me positive that the Clomid worked and I ovulated and got pregnant, so it will happen again. But my sadness over losing this baby overshadowed any positivity she was sending my way. She told me to expect to start miscarrying in the next few days.
Jonathan met me afterwards for an early dinner. We went home and I just cried, and then would relax, and then cried some more. My heart just aches and its a feeling that I am only temporarily distracted from at times. I did return to work the following day and made it through. Friday morning I woke up with the worst cramps I believe I have ever had. I did make it into work, but started feeling sick from the pain. I went to the bathroom and got sick. At that point it was just so real to me that I was starting to miscarry. I couldn't help but to start crying more. My coworker told me to go home. I tried to sit a bit longer and the pain was not easing up, so I reluctantly went home. Jonathan met me there, set me up on the couch with my pillow and covered me up and held me while I just let it out. I know time will heal this hurt I am feeling, but until then I just feel broken. Angry and sad and disappointed and scared that it will happen again (when we decide we are ready to try again). Right now is day 4 of heavy bleeding. And I am hoping it eases soon. I really just want to throw myself into the gym and focus on healing my body and my mind. I would like to lose some of the weight that the 2 rounds of Clomid has caused me to gain. I need sometime to just take care of me before we think about trying again. Not sure how long that will be, but we will just take it one day at a time. I just wanted to put an update on here today. I did just get the call from my OB's nurse with the blood results, my BETA hcg was an 8, which is indicative of a pregnancy that it not viable. I have to go back on Valentine's day to confirm it is back in the "not pregnant" range of 0-5.
I am trying to remain hopeful that next time, everything will work out as its supposed to. But as of today, I am just not ready to completely let go of my sadness. I loved the baby that we had made and wanted him or her more than anything. My heart will always ache for the child I'll never get to know here on this earth.
