I'm Pregnant! - Femara R4 Success

I cannot even believe that I am writing this post right now. 5 days after what would have been my due date, I unexpectedly received a positive pregnancy test…On the afternoon of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day (October 15th). I am completely amazed and blown away. I wholeheartedly believed that we would be unsuccessful, as we were in the previous two ovulatory cycles on Femara. I had mentally prepared for taking a break from medicated cycles. I had a game plan to get my butt back to a gym regimen and “get fit.” I completely did not think this would happen. Like everyone says… “When you least expect it.” --- I always hated when people would tell me that, because I always thought to myself, “How in the world can I “least expect it” when I am doing medicated cycles, trying to make it happen?” But here we are.

When getting the positive at 9dpo, I started with a cheapy wondfo. There was the faintest of faint lines, which looked more like an indent to me. Nothing to be excited by, but enough of something to make me want to test with a FRER. And holy cow, when that faint line appeared, I lost it. Down on my knees, boohooing in the bathroom floor. Complete shock and praising God for allowing this to happen. While also begging Him to please let me keep my baby this time. Once I gained my composure I had to tell Jonathan immediately. No special surprise onesie for him this time, I simply walked out to the garage while he’s upside down wiring up some gauges in his drag truck and say, “Jonathan I’m pregnant.” He was shocked and completely taken of guard because originally, I had planned on waiting a bit longer to test. We hugged, and I cried some more. We were both extremely reserved, simply because of what happened last time. We are trying to keep calm, cool and collected, just in case.

I am only 13 dpo today, and staying cautiously optimistic. But given the fact that my test lines are now darker than they ever were during my chemical in January, plus I’ve had 2 blood draws now, I am feeling that little bit of reassurance that this is really it. I am going to have a healthy baby and a healthy full term pregnancy! 

Here’s some quick numbers for you, HCG at 10dpo – 18. HCG at 12dpo – 63. More than doubled! Progesterone had me a little nervous at 10dpo 13.3, even though my OB was pleased with it. At 12dpo Progesterone was at 21.6. My OB’s office only wanted to do the one blood draw (unless I was bleeding). So, for my own peace of mind, I paid out of pocket to get the 12dpo blood work done by a lab. $88 was COMPLETELY worth it to see that everything is going as it should.

This morning, with a darker 2nd line on my FRER, I decided to call my OB and schedule my first ultrasound. She advised me to go three more weeks, so November 9th will be the day we will see our baby for the first time. I just hope these next 3 weeks go by so fast. I will be just shy of 7 weeks pregnant by then.

Symptoms to note: Off and on twinges, slightly weird taste in my mouth, and laying on the chiropractor table for my adjustment yesterday had my boobs SCREAMING at me. Other than that, nothing of major importance. Every now and then I feel this little dizzy headrush, but I think that’s simply because my brain keeps reminding me …. “You are pregnant!” 

I am praising God for allowing this to happen. He has strengthened me and given me the courage I have needed to go through multiple medicated cycles and to never give up the hope that we will beat infertility. And I am just praying that this baby I am carrying today is healthy and growing, and will be the greatest blessing I will ever receive. Thank you God!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awarenss - Tomorrow was my Due Date

I write today’s blog post with a heavy heart. Tomorrow, October 10th, 2018 would have been my due date. If I had stayed pregnant we would most likely be anxiously awaiting our child’s arrival. The nursery would have been ready, hospital bags would be packed. But instead, we have no baby on board and an unfinished “guest bedroom.” 

This room in my house is extremely neglected. It’s truly more of a junk room than anything. And unfortunately I simply cannot bring myself to turn it into the “guest bedroom” that it could be, because it’s not a guest bedroom. It is my baby’s room. And the fact that there is no baby hurts. I don’t want to turn it into a guest room. I really don’t want to put any effort into it until it’s time to fulfill its purpose. And I would rather it stay a junk room for years to come, than to convert it into anything other than a nursery.

As you all know, I’ve previously shared my journey, hurt and disappointment on my blog intimately, but very few people in my life actually know about our loss or about our struggle with infertility.

Knowing that my due date was approaching and that October is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, I felt it would be an appropriate time for me to share this intimate detail with my friends and family on Facebook. A few weeks ago I typed up the below post so it would be ready to share tomorrow and so I wouldn’t have to type it on the day of, when my feelings will be and are now, so incredibly raw. It is a way for me to honor the life of the child we lost, get some closure for myself and to also honor all women that have experienced loss by bringing awareness to this incredibly difficult thing that so many women go through.

 

"Dear Friends and Family,

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Because of this, I have decided to do my part in breaking the silence.

Today, October 10th, 2018 would have been my due date. Jonathan and I would’ve welcomed our first child to the world. As I write this, my heart still shatters to pieces. You see, we had been trying for over a year to start our family. After seeking medical advice, we then proceeded with fertility treatments. Second try, we had success! I was finally pregnant! Planning began, our hopes and dreams were finally coming true. I bought the baby book at the Barnes and Noble. I downloaded the pregnancy tracker app to my phone. I told my mom that she was going to be a Granny. My heart was overflowing with joy. 

And then a few days later, it was over. I was no longer pregnant. Just like that. It all happened so incredibly fast. Never did I get the chance to experience morning sickness, a growing tummy, see an ultrasound, or hear our baby’s heartbeat. By medical definition, I was having a “chemical pregnancy”. And I hate that it’s called that. 

What I do know, our baby was wanted. Our baby was prayed for. Our baby was loved. And I was completely devastated.

I still have sadness, and questions without answers. I’ll admit that I still have moments of weakness and anger. And I’m still not quite sure what the whole purpose of this happening to us is. But God has comforted me every single step of the way. He has never left me. He has been changing my heart throughout the healing process. He has faithfully given me peace, patience, strength and understanding that there is nothing I did wrong and nothing that I could have done differently. Those two facts alone have been a tremendous comfort.

I don’t want to go into too much detail or depth of what this experience has been like for us, because we are still in the midst of our journey. Still trying to start our family. Still battling infertility. Still on this rollercoaster ride. 

But I truly wanted to share as a way to give myself some type of closure. And to acknowledge the life of our child that I carried for only very a short time. By deciding with Jonathan that I would share this post, I already feel an overwhelming amount of peace. 

Last reason I wanted to share is to help break the silence and hopefully bring awareness of this sensitive topic to everyone on my friends list. Please be considerate of others when deciding to ask when they plan on finally having a baby. You do not know what they’ve been through, or how badly their heart aches for a child.

I was fortunate enough to have a small handful of very dear people show me their love and concern during my time of grieving and wouldn’t have known what to do without their support. Or without Jonathan’s never failing love and strength to lift me up and keep me sane.

1 in 4 women will experience pregnancy or infant loss. And so few will decide to ever publicly share their story. This is because it is so very personal, and it is one of the most painful, heart wrenching things anyone can even try to imagine. If you’re one of these women that has lost a pregnancy, I feel your hurt. I share in your sorrow. I’ll weep with you when you weep and I will rejoice for you when you do finally do get to a place of rejoicing. Please let me know privately if you are in need of comfort, prayers, a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear, and I can be there at a moments notice. I hope you know that you are not alone, and you don’t have to suffer through this in silence. There is a multitude of amazing, strong women that have been in your shoes and would be more than willing to try to help you along the way to finding peace and showing you love during the loss of your pregnancy or the loss of your child."

 

I’m sure I will get plenty of love and encouragement by sharing this post tomorrow. But it is still scary sharing such private information with what feels like the whole world. I also may receive some comments that don’t provide comfort, but maybe the exact opposite. Because sometimes people don’t really know what the wrong or right thing is to say. Truly, I don’t know what I expect from going public with this information. But I want to do this. And Jonathan agreed that he was also comfortable with me doing so. If this helps even one person, it will all be worth it.

God has provided me with an unending supply of love, courage and strength to get me through every bit of this. He has done this through my one on one time with Him in prayer and studying His Word, through the people he has placed in my life and by healing my heart daily. I am so incredibly blessed to know Him and His love for me so intimately. And I truly hope that I can encourage others to deepen their relationship with Him also. Our Father’s Love is a love like no other, and because of this I am able to confidently press onward in life, in this journey to starting our family and in my mission here while on this earth. To bring all the glory, honor and praise to Him and His kingdom.

TTC Update: Femara R4 / Weight Gain / Instagram

Since the office is quiet today, I decided to write a blog post to update on what’s been going on with TTC. I am currently on round 4 of Femara/Letrozole 5mg. My last 2 rounds I ovulated! Which is wonderful that the medicine is helping me. But no BFP unfortunately. Both times my hopes were extremely high. 

After round 2, I was a wreck for about 3 days. Emotions all over the place and lots of tears. Once round 3 worked and I had ovulated again, I was ecstatic that we are finally on the right track with a medicine and dosage that works for me. When AF showed, I wasn’t too surprised. Bummed, yes. A ball of tears, no. I knew in my mind that I would be jumping right in to round 4 with the hope that 3 times ovulating in a row, that we will be successful. Today is CD14, and so far my clear blue advanced ovulation test is right on track with last cycle’s fertility days. Previous 2 rounds, I ovulated both times on CD17 and had a 30 day cycle. Because of that, I kind of know what to expect and have been a bit more laid back about baby dancing this time. Due to ovulation pain, I am almost 100% sure that I ovulated from my left ovary both times. Hoping my right ovary wakes up and does the work this go round, since that is also the ovary I think I ovulated from with my chemical pregnancy in January. My OB has mentioned us doing and HSG to check for blockages, which I very well could have on the left side. Not that I know any of this for sure, but just using my knowledge of my own body to make these assumptions. 

I have also decided that if this round is unsuccessful, I will be taking at least a month off from meds. (If my doctor agrees I am making the right decision.) Reasons being, mental health, weight gain, and making the time to schedule an HSG. So far I am up 17lbs since we started trying with Femara, and I am so unhappy about my weight gain after working so hard with a strict Keto diet where I lost almost 25lbs. I had someone comment to me recently that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself when it comes to weight gain on fertility meds. Her wisdom gave me the boost I needed to stop beating myself up. She said, “The weight is justified, you are basically sacrificing your health and figure to help bring this child closer to being born, it’s a labor of love, even if it makes us fat, it’s a fat we can be proud of.” Now I can’t say that I am proud of the fat lol, but I am extremely proud of myself for the strength I did not realize I had. I am doing all of this for my future baby. Making these sacrifices and putting my body through some pretty rough stuff, all to bring my baby into this world. I love this baby that doesn’t even exist yet, so much, that I cannot imagine NOT being willing to go through all of this to give them life. 

I actually have a private/separate Instagram account from my main one, which I use to interact with and get/give support to other women going through infertility. These women are all SO INCREDIBLY STRONG. Seeing others going through this same battle has given me so much reassurance that I can do this, and one day I will be successful. 

I know I may have readers that actually found my blog through Pinterest or another avenue, and not through my private (TTC)Instagram account. So, if you would like to follow my journey with a few more updates than I put out on here, feel free to look me up (kmliving_ttc). It is a private account that I have had some back and forth feelings about and have gone from public to private on multiple occasions, simply because its kind of scary putting it all out there like that. The fear of wondering if I am being judged or talked about has always been one of my biggest flaws. My fears also sometimes get the best of me, which is why I try to avoid that by shutting people out. I’ve been extremely uncomfortable in the past when followed by a couple people that I know personally and I have also removed followers in the past because of these insecurities. (I am so sorry if you’re one of those people, you can follow again if you’d like to. I’m over those insecurities… mostly. Or at least I am trying to be. Hey, I never said I was perfect, and sometimes I do things because of my emotions without really thinking things through.) 

Recently, I have kind of this new found sense of confidence in myself and my journey, so I am feeling a bit more open to having my Instagram account being found/followed at this time. I am one month shy of 2 years on this rollercoaster, and not feeling so unsure of myself anymore. I know my body, and I know myself. I know a lot about PCOS, and I know a lot about TTC. More than I ever thought I would. And I share my journey on Instagram as an outlet for myself and my thoughts, because let’s be honest… my real life friends don’t really want to know about my every ovulation/side effect/emotion/test result/etc. Yes they care and want to be updated. But on Instagram, in the #ttccommunity, it’s different. And it just feels good to put something on Instagram whenever I want. When I am thinking or feeling some kind of way. And when I am just dying to share my excitement about ovulating, or sadness over AF showing up. Then, to have women in similar situations share wisdom with me and cheer me on has been an incredible thing to be a part of since day one. 

I guess that is really it for this post. In honor of October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month, I will have another post up soon. Keep an eye out for it! And as always, thank you for reading and following along this journey with me. <3