Landen is now 3 months old and I’ve wanted to get up a little post to document these first 3 precious months with my boy. As 3 months has gone by so incredibly fast, I’ll try my best to keep this post short and sweet.
Those first 2 weeks at home with him were so very difficult. I truly went through what I consider to be extreme baby blues. Crying all the time. Not wanting visitors. Arguing with my husband, who wanted nothing more that for me to be okay. I cried when he scratched himself. I cried when his cord fell off. I cried when I splashed out little breast milk when pouring what I pumped. I cried, a lot. I did fill a prescription for Zoloft at the 2 week mark, but decided with Jonathan that I would give it one more week before taking it. I am so glad I did, because it was like a light switch. I still had weepy moments but felt so much more like myself. I feel so fortunate that things turned around for me when they did. I know so many women struggle for much longer and way harder. I can definitely see what people mean when they talk about postpartum depression because just the little bit I went through felt so extreme. It is real and it is hard, so check in on all your new mama friends, and then check on them again. They need you, even if they don’t act like it.
My blues, while it stemmed from multiple things, was mostly as a result of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding was so hard because my supply was so low. Order of events went a little like this... breast feed on each breast 15 minutes each. Bottle feed what very little pumped milk I had. Supplement with an ounce of formula. Pump for 15 minutes. Repeat 45 minutes later. I was getting so burnt out. Not getting enough sleep. Hormones had me so upset that I was failing and not able to provide for my baby. I was charting every little detail, sleep, wet/dirty diapers, milk, how much, how long per breast, pumping time, how much, how long, what color was the poo, every little nap no matter how long. All on the Glow app. Which I felt good about at first... and then it became all too much. He had surpassed birth weight, so I stopped tracking. And it made such a difference in my mood and stress levels. Still was really struggling with breastfeeding though, and then I decided, with lots of talking with a friend who was also supplementing, that I can only do what my body allows. And I have to accept the fact that right then in that moment, my baby needed more than I could provide. And once I stopped looking at the formula like it was poison or something to be ashamed of and decided seeing my baby full and satisfied was a good thing, that stress melted away as well.
We went to 3 different lactation consultations in his first 2 weeks. Each time they brought up my PCOS and postpartum hemorrhaging. My body was going to have to take care of me before it would start making what he needed. At one appointment, we discovered that he was inefficient at transferring milk. But he didn’t have any tongue or lip ties. Half an hour of breastfeeding and he only transferred a little over an ounce. They told me “he’s just a little guy, he will get better at it.” So we just kept on trying.
So once we reached one month, I finally felt more comfortable getting out. I met a girlfriend for lunch. I had a little bit of company. I went to a family function. And Jonathan and I made the difficult but greatest decision. We decided I would not be going back to work my full time job. And I feel so fortunate and blessed that we are in the financial position for me to stay home. As scary as it was to give up my career and income, I knew it was the right decision for us as soon as I finished giving my employer notice and packing up all of my belongings. It was like yet again, another huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.
7lbs 15oz
Then at 6 weeks, I was given the clear to resume regular activity. I went to my moms pool and floated in the sun while Landen napped a few times. I went to the park and walked around the pond. I finally got the hang of things. My body was used to waking up in the early AM hours to feed Landen a bottle and pump.
At 8 Weeks, I can honestly say that we got that hang of breastfeeding. My supply was finally able to keep up and satisfy him. The only supplementing we did, and still do today, is two ounces of formula mixed with breastmilk before he goes down for the night. At a little over 2 months old, he slept through the night for the first time! Hallelujah! It blew my mind when I woke up at 5:45am and he was STILL ASLEEP! I pumped 8 whopping ounces and then waited until about 6:30 before deciding to wake him to feed him. I definitely don’t do that anymore and just let him wake on his own, but that first time had me nervous. Since he started sleeping through the night, which for us is approximately 9:30/10-6/7, we have only had two or three nights where he woke up around 3am. I feel so lucky that he sleeps! I know so many momma’s don’t have a sleeper like me. (I also know that this could change at any time, so enjoying it while I can.)
11lbs 13oz
We ventured to the drag strip for the first time, and he did so good! I was nervous the sounds would upset him but he does just fine. Of course I keep ear protection on him at all times, which he doesn’t mind either. And cool enough, Jonathan won the race and he was officially the 2019 Modified Champion at Richmond Dragway.
This past month has been such a difference in myself. I think getting more sleep and just overall confidence in myself has made a world of difference. I’m much calmer about letting people hold him, give him a bottle, etc. It honestly feels like a break when I can let someone else entertain him for a short bit. Jonathan and I are starting to find our groove as parents. When we are out together, Jonathan helps a lot. We alternate who gives him a bath (every other night). At home, I am mainly the one to do everything. Which was difficult at first on my attitude but as things have progressed, I’ve been able to feel better about things. I know now Landen relies on me for comfort. A lot of times, it’s only me that can calm him down. Mama’s milk does the trick quite often. But there are those evenings when I feel so overwhelmed when he’s been fussy, and Jonathan swoops in and saves the day by playing with him or taking him for a walk outside. Once he gets bigger and a couple years from now, can easily communicate his needs, Jonathan will feel much more comfortable and able to care for him for longer periods without my help. But for now, mama’s got this! And it is such an amazing feeling knowing I can and am able to care for my baby. Kinda of miraculous what a woman is capable of. Not to say men aren’t able to... but they cannot grow a human inside of them and have their lives completely changed in a single moment, the way a woman can.
Since little man is still so young, we don’t have/have not established a routine or schedule as of yet. He still sleeps in his bassinet in my room. He naps in his crib.
Most days currently look like this.
Wake 6:30, bottle feed 3.5oz breastmilk.
Back to sleep. Wake 9/9:30. Breastfeed. Play. Breastfeed 11:30-12. Nap 12:30-2:30/3. Breastfeed. Play. Breastfeed 5/6. Short nap anytime after this meal. 8/8:30 Bottle feed 3.5oz breastmilk. Bath time. Play. 9/9:30 Bottle feed 2oz formula + 1oz breast milk. Bed by 10.
Now this is an extremely loose schedule. Obviously going out during the day changes things because the car automatically puts him to sleep still. Sometimes I try to offer 4oz, very rare he will take it all. We have found that bottle feeding in the evening works best for us, as my supply tanks and he just gets frustrated. And Jonathan can help feed in the evenings. I always pump before going to bed 10:30-11 where I may get 5-6oz. And I pump around 5:30am most nights and get about 8oz. If Landen sleeps in later and I don’t wake up to pump, I just breastfeed as soon as we wake up. I prefer to bottle feed at that time though because he’s still so sleepy, he won’t nurse long enough to fill up and go back to sleep long enough for me to actually go back to sleep also. All in all, we are starting to develop a routine/schedule but I don’t stress too much if things don’t stick to certain times.
In other news, we finally just bought a motorhome, Landen and I can start going to the drag strip more often, instead of me feeling alone at home every weekend. I will say that Jonathan has had on heck of a year racing. So I guess all the wins he’s had has made it kinda worth it for him to be spending so much time away. I still have a hard time coping with that at times, but I’ve had a couple other racing wives that I am friends with both say to me, “They are the ones missing out being gone all the time.” Which couldn’t be more true! Every time I feel a little bit of resentment or jealousy of him just being so quick and willing to leave every weekend, I just remind myself that I am the one getting all the good stuff. Landen and I already have such an incredible bond that is only going to get stronger as time goes on. This mama bear is crazy about her boy and I am so grateful for these first 3 months we’ve had together. He is my greatest blessing and watching him grow is my greatest joy.
14lbs 3oz
