Baby Martin – Due June 2019

We have almost made it to the end of the first trimester, and honestly it’s still so surreal to me. I am 11w6d today, and seems to me like most of my nausea has subsided. I still am not feeling too great after meals, and I am sleeping horribly. One issue I am currently having is crazy bad acne and the driest skin I’ve ever had. But for the most part, I feel like this has been an uneventful first trimester.

At my recent ultrasound/appointment on December 7th, my OB was so pleased that baby has completely caught up measurement wise and we moved up my due date! Instead of July 2^nd, baby is officially due to arrive on June 27^th, 2019. Now I know that babies have their own timelines on when they decide to arrive, but Jonathan and I were both excited about the change in date. For one, he’s a June baby. Second, baby will be due 2 days after our third wedding anniversary. Third, we have SOOOOO many friends with early July babies, not to mention the 4^th of July. And we would really like for our baby to have their OWN day. Even if that doesn’t end up happening, it’s not a big deal, but what momma wants her baby to share their birthday with someone else? Or with America? Not me.  

Weight gain has been a sensitive topic for me. I have struggled to maintain a healthy weight for about 4 years now. Trying all the diets, weight up and down over and over again. Fertility meds adding to the struggle. Complete honesty here guys, I’ve gained 8lbs since the beginning of pregnancy & 25lbs since the beginning of summer. That’s a big jump for someone with a small frame. I am super self-conscious, and uncomfortable with the gain. I am the one that actually brought it up to my OB first, and she made me feel better. (Not about the 25lbs, but about the 8lbs.) She explained to me that while we do not want to continue gaining at the same rate, there are a lot of women that tend to gain more in the beginning due to the fact that eating more helps them to fight the sick feeling. She told me obviously to try to start making better choices now that I am starting to feel better. And also told me that women with PCOS are at a higher risk of gestational diabetes, so I really need to try to be mindful moving forward. But she actually said that if I hadn’t have brought it up, she would not have addressed weight gain and she is not worried at this time.

We did blood work during my appointment for the NIPT and could possibly have the results as early as this Friday! I am praying that it will find low risk on the chromosome abnormalities it checks for. And I am INCREDIBLY anxious to find out if baby is a boy or a girl! I really don’t have a preference either way, nor do I even have a “feeling” really of what they are. But for the purpose of guessing, I am officially going to guess it’s a boy. Reason, I had several vivid dreams earlier on, and kept count of girls vs boys. (Boys-6/Girls-3) But I will not leave out the fact that I have NEVER correctly guessed any of my friend’s children’s genders. Once the results are in, Jonathan and I will find out together. Then, we plan on keeping it between us until Christmas. We will share with the grandparents first, as a gift/surprise. And I am not confident in this, but thinking we will share our pregnancy and the gender at the same time on Christmas Eve/Day. Haven’t worked out timing and logistics yet, but would definitely like the grandparents to know before the world.

Not that this really matters to anyone but me, but we have picked out the names that our child will call each grandparent. Jonathan’s Mom will be Grandma. Jonathan’s Dad and Stepmom will be Pawpaw and Meemaw. My Dad and Stepmom will be Grandpa and Nana. Lastly, my Mom and her long-time significant other Ed, will be Granny and Pappy. I like the southern feel of the name Pappy, and while I want her boyfriend to be included as a grandparent, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of him being called Papa or Granddad. Nothing personal against him, just kind of how I feel. I discussed this sensitive topic with my mom recently after they had referred to him as Papa in conversation one time, and she completely understood and actually loves the name Pappy for him. Thank goodness!

I think that’s about all I have to update on at this time. Next baby appointment is on January 4^th at 15 weeks. Which will not be an ultrasound, just a normal checkup I believe. I will update more along the way, and will share the gender with ya’ll after Christmas. Lastly, will be preparing my 2018 Year in Review post to get up on New Year’s Eve. I hope everyone is enjoying the Holiday Season so far. I finally added this special keepsake ornament to our tree last night, and I absolutely love it!

We got to see our BABY!

On November 9th, we went to my OB for our very first ultrasound/prenatal appointment. I was a complete bag of nerves all day leading up to the appointment. We actually got there 20 minutes early, and fortunately the ultrasound technician was ready to roll. I had all intentions of putting my cell on record in my purse, so we could at least record the heartbeat. But with my anxiety through the roof, and the tech standing on the other side of a curtain while I undressed and handed my pants to Jonathan, I didn’t get around to doing so. (We didn’t get to actually get to hear it.)

As soon as she began, I saw what I expected to see. Of course I had been googling images of 7 week ultrasounds, which is what I was supposed to be measuring based on ovulation/conception. She didn’t stay on the baby but for a moment and immediately wanted to check ovaries, cervix, placement, etc. Once she came back to baby, I saw the flicker! My body and mind finally relaxed. Going into the appointment, I had confidence that our baby was growing and healthy and had a beating heart, but nothing relieves you like actually seeing it with your own eyes. I’m guessing they had the sound turned off and I didn’t have the guts to ask her to turn it on. But baby’s heart rate was 127. <3 She finished clicking on the screen to take measurements and said “Okay were done.” I guess in her job, she’s not really able to say much.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t get emotional like I thought I was going to during the process. Not sure why. I guess I really just wanted to speak to my doctor and hear what she had to say before getting super excited. Well, they kept us waiting for what felt like forever before getting to see my doctor, but when she came in, of course she congratulated us and introduced herself to Jonathan. Everything looks good and she has really no concerns, except baby is measuring a little bit small. According to start of my last period, should have been 7w1d. Based on my calculations 6w6d. Baby measured 6w3d. She didn’t seem too concerned or worried once I told her when I ovulated, because at least that was a little bit closer than going off of LMP. Even so, she wants me to come back in 4 weeks for another ultrasound to measure again, and told me not to worry. (These measurements are of something so incredibly tiny, that where the technician clicks on the screen for top and bottom of baby could be the slightest bit off and can affect this.) Because of her comforting relaxed attitude about it, I am trying to have the same. TRYING! They finished my appointment with urine sample, 5 tubes of blood and sent me out the door with a HUGE bag of goodies. On our ride afterward, I went through the items in the bag. One thing in there had written on it “Welcome to the sisterhood of motherhood,” And that is what finally made me cry. This is really happening, I am finally pregnant, and I am going to have a little boy or girl that calls me “Momma”.

So, with our first ultrasound measurements, we have an approximate due date of July 3rd. A Firework baby!! Obviously this is subject to change when we measure once more on December 7th. She said we get our “official” due date at that time. So now we wait and we keep praying that baby continues growing and that measurements will look good at our next appointment. At which time, we also have opted to do the Noninvasive Prenatal Testing to check for certain genetic disorders… and to find out the gender!

Just a short update on symptoms. Nausea has begun. If I eat too much, if I get hungry, if I take too hot of a shower… pretty much all the time. It is off and on though, so I do have moments of relief. No puking yet, and I've only gagged over the toilet one time so far. I am hopeful that I will be lucky and not get sick at all! My jeans are too tight due to bloating, I have had to resort to the old hair tie trick to help out. I am peeing A LOT! I am SUPER emotional over everything. And I am having the most vivid dreams that wake me up all hours of the night. Once we get a little further along, I may start doing some “stats,” for my own record keeping. But for now, just trying to be healthy and stress free. And constantly give all the praise to God for this incredible blessing while asking him to keep me and our baby safe, healthy and growing.

I'm Pregnant! - Femara R4 Success

I cannot even believe that I am writing this post right now. 5 days after what would have been my due date, I unexpectedly received a positive pregnancy test…On the afternoon of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day (October 15th). I am completely amazed and blown away. I wholeheartedly believed that we would be unsuccessful, as we were in the previous two ovulatory cycles on Femara. I had mentally prepared for taking a break from medicated cycles. I had a game plan to get my butt back to a gym regimen and “get fit.” I completely did not think this would happen. Like everyone says… “When you least expect it.” --- I always hated when people would tell me that, because I always thought to myself, “How in the world can I “least expect it” when I am doing medicated cycles, trying to make it happen?” But here we are.

When getting the positive at 9dpo, I started with a cheapy wondfo. There was the faintest of faint lines, which looked more like an indent to me. Nothing to be excited by, but enough of something to make me want to test with a FRER. And holy cow, when that faint line appeared, I lost it. Down on my knees, boohooing in the bathroom floor. Complete shock and praising God for allowing this to happen. While also begging Him to please let me keep my baby this time. Once I gained my composure I had to tell Jonathan immediately. No special surprise onesie for him this time, I simply walked out to the garage while he’s upside down wiring up some gauges in his drag truck and say, “Jonathan I’m pregnant.” He was shocked and completely taken of guard because originally, I had planned on waiting a bit longer to test. We hugged, and I cried some more. We were both extremely reserved, simply because of what happened last time. We are trying to keep calm, cool and collected, just in case.

I am only 13 dpo today, and staying cautiously optimistic. But given the fact that my test lines are now darker than they ever were during my chemical in January, plus I’ve had 2 blood draws now, I am feeling that little bit of reassurance that this is really it. I am going to have a healthy baby and a healthy full term pregnancy! 

Here’s some quick numbers for you, HCG at 10dpo – 18. HCG at 12dpo – 63. More than doubled! Progesterone had me a little nervous at 10dpo 13.3, even though my OB was pleased with it. At 12dpo Progesterone was at 21.6. My OB’s office only wanted to do the one blood draw (unless I was bleeding). So, for my own peace of mind, I paid out of pocket to get the 12dpo blood work done by a lab. $88 was COMPLETELY worth it to see that everything is going as it should.

This morning, with a darker 2nd line on my FRER, I decided to call my OB and schedule my first ultrasound. She advised me to go three more weeks, so November 9th will be the day we will see our baby for the first time. I just hope these next 3 weeks go by so fast. I will be just shy of 7 weeks pregnant by then.

Symptoms to note: Off and on twinges, slightly weird taste in my mouth, and laying on the chiropractor table for my adjustment yesterday had my boobs SCREAMING at me. Other than that, nothing of major importance. Every now and then I feel this little dizzy headrush, but I think that’s simply because my brain keeps reminding me …. “You are pregnant!” 

I am praising God for allowing this to happen. He has strengthened me and given me the courage I have needed to go through multiple medicated cycles and to never give up the hope that we will beat infertility. And I am just praying that this baby I am carrying today is healthy and growing, and will be the greatest blessing I will ever receive. Thank you God!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awarenss - Tomorrow was my Due Date

I write today’s blog post with a heavy heart. Tomorrow, October 10th, 2018 would have been my due date. If I had stayed pregnant we would most likely be anxiously awaiting our child’s arrival. The nursery would have been ready, hospital bags would be packed. But instead, we have no baby on board and an unfinished “guest bedroom.” 

This room in my house is extremely neglected. It’s truly more of a junk room than anything. And unfortunately I simply cannot bring myself to turn it into the “guest bedroom” that it could be, because it’s not a guest bedroom. It is my baby’s room. And the fact that there is no baby hurts. I don’t want to turn it into a guest room. I really don’t want to put any effort into it until it’s time to fulfill its purpose. And I would rather it stay a junk room for years to come, than to convert it into anything other than a nursery.

As you all know, I’ve previously shared my journey, hurt and disappointment on my blog intimately, but very few people in my life actually know about our loss or about our struggle with infertility.

Knowing that my due date was approaching and that October is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, I felt it would be an appropriate time for me to share this intimate detail with my friends and family on Facebook. A few weeks ago I typed up the below post so it would be ready to share tomorrow and so I wouldn’t have to type it on the day of, when my feelings will be and are now, so incredibly raw. It is a way for me to honor the life of the child we lost, get some closure for myself and to also honor all women that have experienced loss by bringing awareness to this incredibly difficult thing that so many women go through.

 

"Dear Friends and Family,

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Because of this, I have decided to do my part in breaking the silence.

Today, October 10th, 2018 would have been my due date. Jonathan and I would’ve welcomed our first child to the world. As I write this, my heart still shatters to pieces. You see, we had been trying for over a year to start our family. After seeking medical advice, we then proceeded with fertility treatments. Second try, we had success! I was finally pregnant! Planning began, our hopes and dreams were finally coming true. I bought the baby book at the Barnes and Noble. I downloaded the pregnancy tracker app to my phone. I told my mom that she was going to be a Granny. My heart was overflowing with joy. 

And then a few days later, it was over. I was no longer pregnant. Just like that. It all happened so incredibly fast. Never did I get the chance to experience morning sickness, a growing tummy, see an ultrasound, or hear our baby’s heartbeat. By medical definition, I was having a “chemical pregnancy”. And I hate that it’s called that. 

What I do know, our baby was wanted. Our baby was prayed for. Our baby was loved. And I was completely devastated.

I still have sadness, and questions without answers. I’ll admit that I still have moments of weakness and anger. And I’m still not quite sure what the whole purpose of this happening to us is. But God has comforted me every single step of the way. He has never left me. He has been changing my heart throughout the healing process. He has faithfully given me peace, patience, strength and understanding that there is nothing I did wrong and nothing that I could have done differently. Those two facts alone have been a tremendous comfort.

I don’t want to go into too much detail or depth of what this experience has been like for us, because we are still in the midst of our journey. Still trying to start our family. Still battling infertility. Still on this rollercoaster ride. 

But I truly wanted to share as a way to give myself some type of closure. And to acknowledge the life of our child that I carried for only very a short time. By deciding with Jonathan that I would share this post, I already feel an overwhelming amount of peace. 

Last reason I wanted to share is to help break the silence and hopefully bring awareness of this sensitive topic to everyone on my friends list. Please be considerate of others when deciding to ask when they plan on finally having a baby. You do not know what they’ve been through, or how badly their heart aches for a child.

I was fortunate enough to have a small handful of very dear people show me their love and concern during my time of grieving and wouldn’t have known what to do without their support. Or without Jonathan’s never failing love and strength to lift me up and keep me sane.

1 in 4 women will experience pregnancy or infant loss. And so few will decide to ever publicly share their story. This is because it is so very personal, and it is one of the most painful, heart wrenching things anyone can even try to imagine. If you’re one of these women that has lost a pregnancy, I feel your hurt. I share in your sorrow. I’ll weep with you when you weep and I will rejoice for you when you do finally do get to a place of rejoicing. Please let me know privately if you are in need of comfort, prayers, a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear, and I can be there at a moments notice. I hope you know that you are not alone, and you don’t have to suffer through this in silence. There is a multitude of amazing, strong women that have been in your shoes and would be more than willing to try to help you along the way to finding peace and showing you love during the loss of your pregnancy or the loss of your child."

 

I’m sure I will get plenty of love and encouragement by sharing this post tomorrow. But it is still scary sharing such private information with what feels like the whole world. I also may receive some comments that don’t provide comfort, but maybe the exact opposite. Because sometimes people don’t really know what the wrong or right thing is to say. Truly, I don’t know what I expect from going public with this information. But I want to do this. And Jonathan agreed that he was also comfortable with me doing so. If this helps even one person, it will all be worth it.

God has provided me with an unending supply of love, courage and strength to get me through every bit of this. He has done this through my one on one time with Him in prayer and studying His Word, through the people he has placed in my life and by healing my heart daily. I am so incredibly blessed to know Him and His love for me so intimately. And I truly hope that I can encourage others to deepen their relationship with Him also. Our Father’s Love is a love like no other, and because of this I am able to confidently press onward in life, in this journey to starting our family and in my mission here while on this earth. To bring all the glory, honor and praise to Him and His kingdom.

TTC Update: Femara R4 / Weight Gain / Instagram

Since the office is quiet today, I decided to write a blog post to update on what’s been going on with TTC. I am currently on round 4 of Femara/Letrozole 5mg. My last 2 rounds I ovulated! Which is wonderful that the medicine is helping me. But no BFP unfortunately. Both times my hopes were extremely high. 

After round 2, I was a wreck for about 3 days. Emotions all over the place and lots of tears. Once round 3 worked and I had ovulated again, I was ecstatic that we are finally on the right track with a medicine and dosage that works for me. When AF showed, I wasn’t too surprised. Bummed, yes. A ball of tears, no. I knew in my mind that I would be jumping right in to round 4 with the hope that 3 times ovulating in a row, that we will be successful. Today is CD14, and so far my clear blue advanced ovulation test is right on track with last cycle’s fertility days. Previous 2 rounds, I ovulated both times on CD17 and had a 30 day cycle. Because of that, I kind of know what to expect and have been a bit more laid back about baby dancing this time. Due to ovulation pain, I am almost 100% sure that I ovulated from my left ovary both times. Hoping my right ovary wakes up and does the work this go round, since that is also the ovary I think I ovulated from with my chemical pregnancy in January. My OB has mentioned us doing and HSG to check for blockages, which I very well could have on the left side. Not that I know any of this for sure, but just using my knowledge of my own body to make these assumptions. 

I have also decided that if this round is unsuccessful, I will be taking at least a month off from meds. (If my doctor agrees I am making the right decision.) Reasons being, mental health, weight gain, and making the time to schedule an HSG. So far I am up 17lbs since we started trying with Femara, and I am so unhappy about my weight gain after working so hard with a strict Keto diet where I lost almost 25lbs. I had someone comment to me recently that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself when it comes to weight gain on fertility meds. Her wisdom gave me the boost I needed to stop beating myself up. She said, “The weight is justified, you are basically sacrificing your health and figure to help bring this child closer to being born, it’s a labor of love, even if it makes us fat, it’s a fat we can be proud of.” Now I can’t say that I am proud of the fat lol, but I am extremely proud of myself for the strength I did not realize I had. I am doing all of this for my future baby. Making these sacrifices and putting my body through some pretty rough stuff, all to bring my baby into this world. I love this baby that doesn’t even exist yet, so much, that I cannot imagine NOT being willing to go through all of this to give them life. 

I actually have a private/separate Instagram account from my main one, which I use to interact with and get/give support to other women going through infertility. These women are all SO INCREDIBLY STRONG. Seeing others going through this same battle has given me so much reassurance that I can do this, and one day I will be successful. 

I know I may have readers that actually found my blog through Pinterest or another avenue, and not through my private (TTC)Instagram account. So, if you would like to follow my journey with a few more updates than I put out on here, feel free to look me up (kmliving_ttc). It is a private account that I have had some back and forth feelings about and have gone from public to private on multiple occasions, simply because its kind of scary putting it all out there like that. The fear of wondering if I am being judged or talked about has always been one of my biggest flaws. My fears also sometimes get the best of me, which is why I try to avoid that by shutting people out. I’ve been extremely uncomfortable in the past when followed by a couple people that I know personally and I have also removed followers in the past because of these insecurities. (I am so sorry if you’re one of those people, you can follow again if you’d like to. I’m over those insecurities… mostly. Or at least I am trying to be. Hey, I never said I was perfect, and sometimes I do things because of my emotions without really thinking things through.) 

Recently, I have kind of this new found sense of confidence in myself and my journey, so I am feeling a bit more open to having my Instagram account being found/followed at this time. I am one month shy of 2 years on this rollercoaster, and not feeling so unsure of myself anymore. I know my body, and I know myself. I know a lot about PCOS, and I know a lot about TTC. More than I ever thought I would. And I share my journey on Instagram as an outlet for myself and my thoughts, because let’s be honest… my real life friends don’t really want to know about my every ovulation/side effect/emotion/test result/etc. Yes they care and want to be updated. But on Instagram, in the #ttccommunity, it’s different. And it just feels good to put something on Instagram whenever I want. When I am thinking or feeling some kind of way. And when I am just dying to share my excitement about ovulating, or sadness over AF showing up. Then, to have women in similar situations share wisdom with me and cheer me on has been an incredible thing to be a part of since day one. 

I guess that is really it for this post. In honor of October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month, I will have another post up soon. Keep an eye out for it! And as always, thank you for reading and following along this journey with me. <3

I'm a Bad Blogger

I’ve done it again…. Completely slacked and haven’t paid any attention to this thing I call my blog.

Life has been going a hundred miles a minute it feels like. We are constantly go go go, dinner with friends, birthday parties, office work to do, doctor appointments, sickness, bible studies, house chores, and finally a vacation!

It has been hard to even feel like I have time to unwind most days, so this vacation was so well deserved.

Jonathan and I went just the two of us, to Myrtle Beach, SC for vacation last week and enjoyed our time together so much. I won’t bore you with day-to-day details. But here are just a few pictures from our trip. Wax Museum, Beach, Pool, Alabama Theatre, Aquarium, Sky Wheel, Yummy Food, NAPS, games and just being together.

I needed this trip so bad. It was during my TWW and helped to make the time go by faster and just gave me the opportunity to not obsess (as much), like I usually do during a TWW. Femara/Letrozole 5mg worked this time and I ovulated! Woohoo! On CD17, which I was proud of! So my hopes were extremely high. Sad to say we did not get a BFP on this round, and my period started yesterday, right on time, on my 28th birthday. I’ll spare you of all my thoughts and feelings this time, because it’s nothing new. I guess maybe I wasn’t AS upset because at least the medicine worked and my ovaries did their job. We just didn’t get lucky enough to conceive. I did have a good birthday though despite some killer cramps. My Dad picked me up at work and took me to lunch. My office had a cute birthday cake for me. And like every year, went out to dinner with my Mom, Jonathan, and my Granny for a “joined” birthday dinner at Maggiano’s since Granny’s birthday is two days after mine.

 

Disappointment and PMS had me feeling pretty lousy leading up to yesterday. But now that it’s a new cycle, I’m starting the rollercoaster all over again. Excitement and expectation building for this NEXT round to work and for us to hopefully conceive. It’s crazy how the ups and downs have my emotions always going crazy. I will admit, I am trying to be cautiously optimistic this time. If you’ve been keeping up with my journey, you know I previously did 3 rounds of Clomid. 1st didn’t ovulate, 2nd Ovulated and had my chemical pregnancy, and then on the 3rd round… my body did not ovulate and I was completely disappointed. So going into round 3 of Femara, I am hopeful but also preparing myself in case it doesn’t work again this time. But I am continuing to put my faith in God that he knows what he's doing and that he will allow it to happen at the perfect time.

This will be our 6th round of fertility meds, and to be honest… it’s getting old. I’m not exactly sure but I’m thinking we may have to take a little break if this round doesn’t work. Simply because Jonathan and I both are starting to get a little burnt out on this journey. The last thing I want is for this to affect our marriage in a negative way. So we shall see how we are feeling if this round doesn’t do the trick. We are approaching 2 years of TTC and I truly never thought it was going to take this long. I knew we might struggle, but seriously…I didn’t expect it to be the journey that it has become. We have started letting more friends, family and even simple acquaintances in on our struggle. If people ask, I don’t lie anymore. I simply say we’ve been trying for quite some time and it’s been a difficult road so far. Sometimes it feels good being honest, sometimes it doesn’t. But I think it’s beneficial to be up front with people, especially when they ask. It brings more awareness to the struggles some couples have and teaches others to be sensitive to the subject of infertility. It’s something that I wouldn’t wish for anyone to go through and people will never fully understand the turmoil unless they have walked the same road.

So moving forward, I’ll update on here when life/time allows for it. I may or may not take a hiatus from ALL social media for some time during this next round, simply to help with stress and anxiety. Not to mention just taking a break from it all will also be good for my mental health. Going to be hard, but I plan on completely deleting the Facebook and Instagram apps completely from my phone during this time so I will not be tempted. Small goals first so I don’t chicken out. My first goal will be 3 days. If I can make it 3 full days, I will extend to a week. And if that week goes great and I am feeling good about it, I will determine how much longer I want to continue. I’ve never taken a break from social media, so no guarantees I’ll be any good at it. But we shall see…

If you’re reading this, maybe you can take a moment to think about your own mental health and might even consider taking a 3 day break also, just to see how you feel afterwards. Good luck!

How I Quit Smoking

Today, I am 3 years free from cigarettes! 

I’m so proud of myself for this. It’s actually kind of weird now, thinking back to when I used to be a smoker. Cigarettes controlled me for 10 years! But now, I encourage everyone I know that they CAN and MUST quit! 

I tried smoking for the first time at 14 years old. Just like everyone says, high school, peer pressure, all my friends were doing it. By the age of 15 I was a regular smoker. Small town, we had our ways of getting them; gas stations that would sell to minors. Both of my parents are also smokers, so neither of them actually had grounds to “force” me to stop. Moving out of my moms and into my dad’s, I think is what mostly encouraged my habit. There is SO MUCH more to my “growing up” story that I’ll maybe share another time. But that’s a lot of drama for another day.

From the beginning, I was always a pretty heavy smoker. I had a horrible smokers cough. I took smoke breaks every hour on the hour.  My clothes stunk, my hair stunk, my hands stunk. Of course you don’t notice these things when you do smoke. By the time I did quit, I was smoking a pack and a half a day. That’s 30 cigarettes a day!!! 

When Jonathan and I got engaged in December 2014, is when quitting first became an idea, although I didn’t do it right away. 

Reasons I wanted to: One, I DID NOT want to be walking around in my wedding dress with a cigarette in my hand. And two, I had a couple friends pregnant at the time and I knew they wouldn’t want me holding their babies while smelling of tobacco. 

Even though I always knew I would quit one day, I never really had a plan of when. And even when I did go for it, the desire really wasn’t THAT strong. I didn’t REALLY want to quit, and I don’t think anyone does. But I did, and this is how.

How I Quit: 

First thing I did, in May 2015 I went about two months ahead on my calendar and picked a day (July 24, 2015). That would be the day I quit. I told everyone. Friends, family, coworkers... even a couple strangers. I hyped it up and made sure everyone knew, that way I would be supported and be held accountable. My husband was also a smoker, (He’s now on his 2nd year smoke free), so I had to have him on board to support me also. I wish he would’ve quit with me because it would have made it easier, but he just wasn’t ready at the time. I simply did not let him smoke in the house until I had a grip on things. And he couldn’t smoke around me at all the first week or so. (Warning: When you quit, it smells sooooo bad if someone smokes around you!)

My last day as a smoker, I smoked as much as I could before going to bed. I left one cigarette in my pack as my “emergency/security blanket.” (Never smoked it). The next morning, QUIT DAY, my anxiety was insane and physical symptoms were awful. I immediately went to the pharmacy before work to buy patches (never used them, I returned for a refund) and nicotine gum. I actually cried real tears to the pharmacist that I was quitting tobacco today and needed help. I was sweating and shaking and felt HORRIBLE! I made it through the whole work day on edge but “okay”, then the moment I got into my car to go home, I sobbed the whole way. Smoking while driving was my favorite, and now it was over. Once home, I chewed on the one and only piece of nicotine gum I ever used, in my car, until the physical withdrawal passed. The rest of the evening, I held a cigarette in my hand and sucked on it here and there pretending it was lit. I also downloaded an app called “Smoke Free” that cheered me on with badges, tips, encouragement and tracking money saved, as I progressed. 

Day two, I woke up and immediately went to my local Vape store and purchased a starter kit for about $50. (I did eventually upgrade to a box mod.) Before you get all judgmental, I know vaping is not good for you, just like cigarettes. But vaping 100% saved me and my efforts, even though the switch SUCKS at first. I truly think if you’re going to quit by using a vape, you should stick to ONLY vaping! I don’t believe you can successfully quit using both the vape and cigs together. And you should probably do it the same way I did, since it worked so well for me.

I found a flavor I liked at 12mg nicotine (recommended to me based on how much I was smoking daily). And I only vaped that one flavor the entire time; Never got into trying different flavors. The first day or two, I choked and coughed and really was not enjoying the vape... then my throat got used to it. (Hang in there!) After about a month, I dropped to 10mg, then 8mg. Stayed at that level for a while. Every time I dropped nicotine levels, it took a day or two for me to get used to, but I just had to be patient. Eventually it felt fine. 

Then I dropped again to 6mg, 3mg... and eventually I was combining 3mg and 0mg to make a 1.5mg nicotine. All in all, I vaped for right at a year while continuing to lower my nicotine levels over that time. Once I was at 0mg nicotine, I found myself vaping less every day until one day I realized, “hey... I haven’t vaped all day.” It was absolutely amazing. I still would vape when drinking for maybe the first two months, simply because when I drank is when I would want the hand to mouth motion the most, but at that point it was honestly all in my head. A few months after our wedding, I knew we were go to try to start our family. So it was super easy to give it up completely before we started trying in November 2016. 

Shortly after I quit the vape completely, my husband had his first kidney stone and went to the ER. During his CT scan, they found a small nodule on his lung, which has not grown since, but it freaked him out enough that he quit the very next day, the same way I did. Today, he is 532 days smoke free, is on 0mg nicotine, using his vape less every day, and I’m so proud of him.  

OUR HOUSE NO LONGER SMELLS LIKE NASTY CIGARETTES! 

Unless you’ve been a smoker, it’s kind of hard to understand. But it is such a cool feeling being free from it. And having empty hands. And being told by my mom (who still unfortunately smokes) how good I smell ALL THE TIME. And my teeth are now getting whiter, thanks to some white strips. And my gums are healthy and not hurting. And my dentist tells me every 6 months how beautiful my teeth are. And I don’t ever need “smoke breaks.” And my cough is gone. And I can run on the treadmill. And my nails and hair are healthier. And my skin is clearer. And food tastes better! Gosh, It’s just AMAZING! 

With quitting I did gain weight; about 35lbs total. Which I’m still working on getting rid of today. I’ve been dieting off and on for the last 2 years and from my heaviest, I am down 23lbs. My mom always says that my will power is wayyyy stronger than others, but I don’t think so. I’ve just always been the kind of person that when I put my mind to something I stick to it. I don’t go back on my word. If I say I’m going to do it, I’m dead serious. Maybe that why I was so successful with quitting while others still struggle. I don’t know the answer to that. But I do know that if I can do it, and my husband can do it, ANYONE can. 

As amazing as all of this is, I still crave a cigarette on occasion. I don’t think that will ever go away completely. But I am stronger than any desire I’ll ever have for a cigarette! I just distract myself and the desire just goes away. Weirdly enough, I still smoke in my dreams sometimes. And I always wake up completely blown away by the fact that I am smoking. Thank God it’s just a dream!! 

So I will just end this post by saying, 3 Years Smoke Free for me! I am SO PROUD TO BE A QUITTER!  If you’re a smoker, you can be too! If you’re not a smoker, feel free to share my story with smoking friends and family to motivate them to quit.