Friday night, I went to Target and spent about an hour and a half trying to pick out gifts for a 5 year old little boy and two 2 year old little girls.
Saturday, we went to celebrate Leah’s 2nd Birthday. Leah is Jonathan’s cousin’s daughter or Jonathan’s 2nd cousin. We were also really excited to meet Leah’s little sister Madison who was born 4 months ago, but they live in NC which is why we are just now meeting her. Of course Shannon (mom) let me hold her and get some of that baby luvin! She was absolutely adorable and completely content.
At Leah’s party, Jonathan’s grandparents were there and asked are we expecting yet… and I said really quickly “We’re not.” Jonathan then says, “But she wishes we were.” I quickly just whispered please don’t talk about it, and turned my head away from them fighting back tears. Once regaining my composure I was able to continue enjoying the party.
Shortly after that, Jonathan’s cousin’s fiancé Lynsey showed up. I like her a lot so we stuck together and chit chatted. During our conversation I found out that she also has PCOS. What an awesome feeling when you find someone that not only understands everything your body is going through, but is also going through the same or similar. We didn’t get to talk a whole lot, because it’s not really something you talk about out in public. But I did let her know how long we’ve been trying, and we discovered we are both taking Provera every month to try to regulate our cycles. It felt so nice to have her know what I am going through physically. Plus she said she was going to keep me in her prayers, which just makes me feel so happy to know that not only are my prayers going up, but also friends and family are praying for me as well.
On top of that, my longtime friend Jessica’s daughter, Remington, also turned two and celebrated her Birthday at the same time. Unfortunately I cannot be in two places at once and we had already committed to Leah’s party. I was sad I missed seeing Remi, but hope to see her and give her her birthday gift soon.
Lastly, my friend Amanda’s son Hayden turned 5 on the 3rd and of course I’m always late to getting his gift to him, but it’s the thought that counts. I’ll plan on having them over for dinner one night so I can give him his gift and spend some time hanging out.
Celebrating all of my friends and families children’s birthdays is extremely bittersweet. I see their little families, and the happiness all of them experience at seeing their child happy, and I just can’t help but hurt a little for the child I dream of loving.
Happier news, my best friend is pregnant again! I am so very happy and excited for her. Her daughter Lola is kind of the first baby that I get to see and hang out around regularly and I just love her to pieces. I can’t wait for this new baby to be born so I can love on him or her just as much. Even still, it took me a couple days to be able to go see my friend and give her a huge hug and congratulations. And I truly mean it when I say I am so very happy for them. When she first sent me the picture of her positive pregnancy test I could have jumped and screamed for joy if I wasn’t at work when I got it. Even so, that evening after work when I got home, I literally sobbed for a good 45 minutes. Big old tears, can’t catch your breath, out loud sobbing that resulted in a headache. I was having the hardest time getting a grip. When will it be my turn? Of course her pregnancy is still secret at this time, but I told my husband and cried to him a little when he got home, and he just doesn’t understand. Pull yourself together Katelyn.
I finally was able to go visit with her and share in the excitement a couple of days later. I am doing much better now but still kind of hard to be around someone who is pregnant, wishing I was going through all of the exciting changes. I dream of the day I can finally experience morning sickness, and I guarantee I will be smiling the whole time I’m puking.
I feel like I cannot get away from the constant reminder that I am not pregnant but want to be more than anything. Next tid bit, there is an older gentleman named Washington that I see quite often in the mornings before work. We both stop at the Wawa regularly and we have kind of developed a friendship over the past 2 years we’ve known each other. We have small talk and wish each other a happy day. Sometimes we go a while without seeing each other, so this morning was probably the first time in about a month that we have seen each other. Saw him in the parking lot as I was headed back to my car, so I went up to chat for a bit. As I was walking up to him, he asked, with his hand on his stomach, “Ohhhh, are we coming along?” Obviously, he was asking if I am pregnant. I told him, “No not pregnant, just gained some weight.” I think he felt bad for asking because he apologized and kind of stuttered a little. I don’t know why I felt the desire to tell him, but I did. I told him that we have been trying since November and it just hasn’t happened yet. He must have sensed the hurt I was feeling because he gave me a big hug (that’s a first) and told me “You’re beautiful as always.” I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. I guess it’s because I am married and everyone expected me to be pregnant by now, or maybe it’s because I’m about 30lbs overweight right now and look like I am expecting, or maybe it’s just that people do not understand… IT’S NOT OKAY TO ASK A WOMAN IF SHE’S PREGNANT! EVER! I got in my car, let out a big sigh and choked back a sob that threatened to escape while at the same time asking “God, why would you put me through this over and over again!?”, then drove my butt to work so I could get busy and be distracted.
Its family, its friends, its policyholders at work, its complete strangers. I promise you I get asked AT LEAST once a week if I am pregnant.
Today was supposed to be a busy Monday at work. My office manager is on vacation this week, so I am manning the office by myself. Past two weeks have been swamped every day. But today, the phone has rang maybe three times, I’ve had only two people come pay bills, and my beginning of day report had not the first late notice for me to do. So its quiet and slow and only making my brain spin. This is why I am writing this blog post while sitting at my office desk, nothing to do except think about not being pregnant.
Okay I am sure this is a long boring post. I got it all out there. Now, let me try to distract myself with something else now.
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