Well after nearly a year of TTC with no luck, I finally called my OB’s office to schedule an appointment for an Infertility Evaluation. I called early due to the fact that I just wanted to get an appointment in the books as something to kind of look forward to. When I called though, they had appointments available as early as the following week. I reluctantly asked the scheduler if that would be okay since it really hasn’t been a year yet, she asked me how close it was and I told her that I quit birth control pill in November 2016 and started trying. She said that it was close enough and should be fine.
The way I look at it, I’m on CD 25 now. I should start my 6th round of Provera to start my period on 11/3 (CD35). Take that for 10 days, then at least 2 more days for my period to start, makes it 11/15. Which by the time that CD 35 would roll around again would be 12/19, which is PAST the one year mark and right at the holidays. So I am pleased to have an appointment scheduled earlier due to my long cycles would be pushing it back further and further. I just hope that my Dr doesn’t give me a hard time by not waiting until the end of November. The dates just don’t work out well to do that.
So since I know I have my appointment coming up in two days, I’ve been feeling stressed about it. Not about the appointment exactly, because I am so happy to finally be taking the next steps. All this time trying and failing has been extremely disappointing and has had me an emotional mess several times. But I guess I feel stressed because I am kind of berating myself for only trying for a year. I don’t know why I am doing it to myself. I guess because I read all these stories of women that try naturally for 18 months, 2 years, 5 years or more before going to see a doctor, and I just don’t have the patience to wait that long. I don’t want to rush things but at the same time, I am just so ready to become a mother and nurture and raise a child. I want to make Jonathan a father and my parents into grandparents. I know I shouldn’t feel bad for going so soon, so trying to push those thoughts out of my mind.
With temping the past 2 cycles, it is very evident that I am not ovulating. And if that doesn’t occur than no matter how much Jonathan and I try, it won’t happen. My Dr pushed aside my comment about PCOS earlier this year, well now is finally time to test and see for sure whether I have it or not. I have no doubt that PCOS is the cause of not being pregnant on top of several other (embarrassing) things that I experience. But only a Dr can give a formal diagnosis, so that is what I am expecting to hear from her after she runs some tests.
I don’t know what her plan of action will be but I have done research and kind of think it may go like this. Blood work and Ultrasound (my first ever, not sure why but I am super excited about this), to look at my ovaries. I would think she may prescribe me 50mg of Clomid to see if that makes me ovulate. Which I know can cause multiples, but that’s not a worry I have. If the Lord wants us to have more than one, then so be it. I also believe that God gave us the knowledge, technology, medicine, and doctors that can help women have children.
Next stressor is if she wants me to be monitored throughout or not. I know its best to be monitored, but would prefer to do at least one cycle not, since I do chart my BBT to check for ovulation. Being monitored would come with lots of appointments, which would require me telling my coworker what is going on. I’ve been leading her to believe that we aren’t ready and still use protection. Well I guess I’ll admit, I have been straight up lying to her about it. And I don’t feel very good about that, but I have my reasons. One, I don’t want the added pressure of people knowing and expecting. Two, she’s very negative about the idea of me getting pregnant now. Three, ttc is a very personal and private thing. Not to mention especially emotional for a couple that is struggling. She thinks I am going in for blood work to refill my Provera Rx this Thursday. I am just waiting to see how my appointment goes and what my Dr. says before I decide whether to fess up or not. I am tempted to just keep it private still and tell her that I have something going on that need to be checked on and leave it at that. Just sucks because we are so close being just me and her in the office, I hate lying to her but just don’t need her bringing me down with any negativity. I enjoy working with someone that I get along with so well, but just certain things that she does and the way she carries herself makes me want to keep her at a distance.
Last thing thats really on my mind is how Jonathan feels. He doesn't talk about it much, but he never really talks much about how he feels on anything. When I told him that I scheduled an appointment and why, he said "ok, i love you." Which really should be all the reassurance I need to proceed. But I wish he will tell me more so I know exactly what he is feeling and thinking about it. But I guess men just really don't talk about their feelings very much. I really hope if he has any reservations that he will discuss them with me. He propably is on board with what I want and what I am doing, but I still worry that he may not be 100% ready. Everyone says though, you are never truly ready. And I whole heartedly believe that. I am scared and worried and stressed and nervous about the thought of getting pregnant and having a child, but I want it more than anything. And I am willing to go through all of that to make this come true. I know that it is my destiny to become a mother and love my child.
Will update more after my appointment on Thursday.
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