Well I haven't put up a post in a little while. Been taking some time to myself. Time to relax and be still. Time to find peace for myself. Time to just step back and STOP obsessing. My third round of Clomid failed. I didn’t even ovulate. Today is CD39 and nothing. Talk about annoying! All that confidence I had going into round 3 wasn’t for nothing though. I did and still do have complete confidence that if the Lord wants us to conceive, he will make it happen. But I really did have SO MUCH confidence that we would be successful with clomid. I was convinced that I would be looking at a positive pregnancy test by Mother’s Day. But my plans/hopes did not line up with what the Lord is wanting for me at this time. I don’t know if it’s a “sign” or not, but I feel that the fact that I didn’t even ovulate is God’s way of telling me that now is not the time and I just need to be patient. I’ve been praying more and more that He will show me the next door I am to walk through. I don’t do well at just being still and feel like I need some sort of something to focus on.
After a couple weeks of ignoring the gym, I did finally make it back yesterday. Took all the willpower I could muster to make myself go. It’s weird though, because as soon as I got in my car and started driving to the gym, all the desire to stay at home disappeared. Fitness is something that has always fascinated me, but I’ve never actually been a “fit” person. I watch a couple people on Youtube that are fitness “gurus” and it does motivate me and make me want to get fit and take better care of my body. So for now, I am deciding to focus on my body and my food and my fitness. Maybe I’ll do like that Whole30 or something. (I don’t even know what Whole30 is, lol.) I know I need to lose a few pounds. According to US “standards,” I need to lose at least 15lbs to be considered in the “normal weight” range. Well 15 is not a big number… I can do it if I work hard and eat right. So for now, I am going to try to get in a routine and focus on taking care of myself physically and mentally. I know my mental health would improve greatly if I had more confidence in my body. Not only am I out of shape, but my body has continued to let me down. Dumb ovaries not doing what they are made to do! PCOS makes things hard. All the extra weight I carry, is on my stomach. I look pregnant and get asked regularly if I am. I don’t wear fitted shirts anymore because of this. PCOS also makes it harder to lose the weight. PCOS makes me break out terribly with painful acne. PCOS makes me grow hair where I DON’T want it. PCOS makes the hair on my head super fine and fall out. PCOS makes my hormones all kinds of crazy making my moods all kinds of crazy making me feel like a crazy, ugly, hairy person. Just being honest here, my self-esteem is extremely low and kind of always has been. But more so now that I have extra weight bringing me down. I am still down about 15lbs from when I was my heaviest, but would love to knock off another 15. Pulled out my summer clothes recently, and NONE of my shorts fit. Not a single pair. Talk about a wake up call. And I know I cannot blame my weight gain on clomid alone when I've been eating terribly and avoiding the gym.
I did want to touch on Mother’s Day in this post. I made it through gracefully and didn’t lose my mind like I did last year. We had a fun filled weekend leading up to Mother’s Day, so that helped. I took off work the Friday before. Went and got a pedicure, my nails done and even had them do my eyebrows. Jonathan switched his race truck from running on gasoline to alcohol. So we went to a race Friday evening to test it out. No win, but it ran good, a bit faster.
It was nice because some of our friends (Clark and Katie) were there also. Katie and I got to ride around on the golf cart and talk and just get to know each other better. I am just so glad that we have become friends with her and her husband because they are such nice people. I know racing is something that Jonathan will be doing for the rest of his life, so it actually feels like the beginning of what will be a lifelong friendship. She and I have been able to relate on some things and she’s been kind of a “confidant” for me. She has encouraged me with the occasional text including scripture or song to listen to, or just checking in. Seeing her faith and how strong it is has really helped me and my desire to grow in my own. I doubt she even knows, but she has helped me tremendously without really even having to try. I need to make sure I thank her for that next time we see each other.
Anywho, continuing into Saturday. I woke up early and went to MCC’s annual yard sale with my mother-in-law. Found us a nice dart board for only $10! We are going to hang it in the garage so Jonathan and I have something fun to do together. I did find a couple other small things, picture frames, lemonade dispenser and a couple cute Halloween figurines. Afterwards, I met up with my Mom. We went to a 1st Birthday party for my cousin’s daughter, which was super cute and quick. Next, we went to N&W Salvage where I bought a couple little things for my flower beds. I went home after that and did some house chores. I was so sleepy from the night before (we didn’t get home until after midnight), I laid down to take a nap and accidently set my alarm for AM instead of PM… I woke up at 3AM completely confused and disoriented. I was going to stay awake at that point, but I am thinking my body just needed the rest because I actually went back to sleep again from 5-8:30. Woke up and went to my mom’s to cook her breakfast.
Mother's Day was actually easier than I expected. I know so many women have had chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, and lost their babies in utero due to other causes , and I am sure that they are hurting even more than myself on Mother’s Day. Now I know that my chemical pregnancy was a baby… or would have been a baby. There wasn’t actually a heartbeat yet, I had no ultrasound. I hadn’t experienced a growing belly or even really wrapped my mind around being pregnant before it was over. And honestly, I kind of don’t feel like I lost a baby. I feel like I lost a pregnancy. Maybe I am wrong for thinking that way, maybe I am right. Maybe I am feeling that way as a defense mechanism. I don’t know the answer to that. But I know that other women lost their babies. They had time to start loving their unborn child. For me, it all happened so fast. I don’t really feel like my loss was as bad as others. And thats the complete truth for me. I understand that this may be an unpopular opinion among my few readers. Yes, I loved the fact that Jonathan and I together, created life. But I just don’t feel like I lost a child and I don’t actually consider myself to be a mother to an angel baby. I think of myself more as, I'll say, a “Mom in the making.” For others that have experienced a Chemical Pregnancy, they may feel differently and that is 100% okay. My feelings about my situation does not take away from others and whether or not they consider themselves to be a mother. And there are definitely Mothers that have miscarried or lost a baby further along and they are definitely Mother’s in my mind. But not me. I can’t really explain why I feel that way. But I can say that I am grateful for these feelings because it has helped me not to grieve continuously over what could have been. Yes, it was the hardest thing I have ever gone though, yes I still have sad moments, but my heart aches soooooo much more for the women whose losses were so much harder for them. I pray that God comforts all of these women because I can only imagine having to go through what others have, and it is absolutely devastating to even think about.
Well that is all I have to update on at this time. I hope each of you had a wonderful Mother’s Day celebrating and being celebrated. I am hoping to start posting regularly again, but not making any promises. Focusing on a goal of losing 15lbs should keep me pretty occupied, and will update when I start making progress.
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