I'm a Bad Blogger

I’ve done it again…. Completely slacked and haven’t paid any attention to this thing I call my blog.

Life has been going a hundred miles a minute it feels like. We are constantly go go go, dinner with friends, birthday parties, office work to do, doctor appointments, sickness, bible studies, house chores, and finally a vacation!

It has been hard to even feel like I have time to unwind most days, so this vacation was so well deserved.

Jonathan and I went just the two of us, to Myrtle Beach, SC for vacation last week and enjoyed our time together so much. I won’t bore you with day-to-day details. But here are just a few pictures from our trip. Wax Museum, Beach, Pool, Alabama Theatre, Aquarium, Sky Wheel, Yummy Food, NAPS, games and just being together.

I needed this trip so bad. It was during my TWW and helped to make the time go by faster and just gave me the opportunity to not obsess (as much), like I usually do during a TWW. Femara/Letrozole 5mg worked this time and I ovulated! Woohoo! On CD17, which I was proud of! So my hopes were extremely high. Sad to say we did not get a BFP on this round, and my period started yesterday, right on time, on my 28th birthday. I’ll spare you of all my thoughts and feelings this time, because it’s nothing new. I guess maybe I wasn’t AS upset because at least the medicine worked and my ovaries did their job. We just didn’t get lucky enough to conceive. I did have a good birthday though despite some killer cramps. My Dad picked me up at work and took me to lunch. My office had a cute birthday cake for me. And like every year, went out to dinner with my Mom, Jonathan, and my Granny for a “joined” birthday dinner at Maggiano’s since Granny’s birthday is two days after mine.

 

Disappointment and PMS had me feeling pretty lousy leading up to yesterday. But now that it’s a new cycle, I’m starting the rollercoaster all over again. Excitement and expectation building for this NEXT round to work and for us to hopefully conceive. It’s crazy how the ups and downs have my emotions always going crazy. I will admit, I am trying to be cautiously optimistic this time. If you’ve been keeping up with my journey, you know I previously did 3 rounds of Clomid. 1st didn’t ovulate, 2nd Ovulated and had my chemical pregnancy, and then on the 3rd round… my body did not ovulate and I was completely disappointed. So going into round 3 of Femara, I am hopeful but also preparing myself in case it doesn’t work again this time. But I am continuing to put my faith in God that he knows what he's doing and that he will allow it to happen at the perfect time.

This will be our 6th round of fertility meds, and to be honest… it’s getting old. I’m not exactly sure but I’m thinking we may have to take a little break if this round doesn’t work. Simply because Jonathan and I both are starting to get a little burnt out on this journey. The last thing I want is for this to affect our marriage in a negative way. So we shall see how we are feeling if this round doesn’t do the trick. We are approaching 2 years of TTC and I truly never thought it was going to take this long. I knew we might struggle, but seriously…I didn’t expect it to be the journey that it has become. We have started letting more friends, family and even simple acquaintances in on our struggle. If people ask, I don’t lie anymore. I simply say we’ve been trying for quite some time and it’s been a difficult road so far. Sometimes it feels good being honest, sometimes it doesn’t. But I think it’s beneficial to be up front with people, especially when they ask. It brings more awareness to the struggles some couples have and teaches others to be sensitive to the subject of infertility. It’s something that I wouldn’t wish for anyone to go through and people will never fully understand the turmoil unless they have walked the same road.

So moving forward, I’ll update on here when life/time allows for it. I may or may not take a hiatus from ALL social media for some time during this next round, simply to help with stress and anxiety. Not to mention just taking a break from it all will also be good for my mental health. Going to be hard, but I plan on completely deleting the Facebook and Instagram apps completely from my phone during this time so I will not be tempted. Small goals first so I don’t chicken out. My first goal will be 3 days. If I can make it 3 full days, I will extend to a week. And if that week goes great and I am feeling good about it, I will determine how much longer I want to continue. I’ve never taken a break from social media, so no guarantees I’ll be any good at it. But we shall see…

If you’re reading this, maybe you can take a moment to think about your own mental health and might even consider taking a 3 day break also, just to see how you feel afterwards. Good luck!

How I Quit Smoking

Today, I am 3 years free from cigarettes! 

I’m so proud of myself for this. It’s actually kind of weird now, thinking back to when I used to be a smoker. Cigarettes controlled me for 10 years! But now, I encourage everyone I know that they CAN and MUST quit! 

I tried smoking for the first time at 14 years old. Just like everyone says, high school, peer pressure, all my friends were doing it. By the age of 15 I was a regular smoker. Small town, we had our ways of getting them; gas stations that would sell to minors. Both of my parents are also smokers, so neither of them actually had grounds to “force” me to stop. Moving out of my moms and into my dad’s, I think is what mostly encouraged my habit. There is SO MUCH more to my “growing up” story that I’ll maybe share another time. But that’s a lot of drama for another day.

From the beginning, I was always a pretty heavy smoker. I had a horrible smokers cough. I took smoke breaks every hour on the hour.  My clothes stunk, my hair stunk, my hands stunk. Of course you don’t notice these things when you do smoke. By the time I did quit, I was smoking a pack and a half a day. That’s 30 cigarettes a day!!! 

When Jonathan and I got engaged in December 2014, is when quitting first became an idea, although I didn’t do it right away. 

Reasons I wanted to: One, I DID NOT want to be walking around in my wedding dress with a cigarette in my hand. And two, I had a couple friends pregnant at the time and I knew they wouldn’t want me holding their babies while smelling of tobacco. 

Even though I always knew I would quit one day, I never really had a plan of when. And even when I did go for it, the desire really wasn’t THAT strong. I didn’t REALLY want to quit, and I don’t think anyone does. But I did, and this is how.

How I Quit: 

First thing I did, in May 2015 I went about two months ahead on my calendar and picked a day (July 24, 2015). That would be the day I quit. I told everyone. Friends, family, coworkers... even a couple strangers. I hyped it up and made sure everyone knew, that way I would be supported and be held accountable. My husband was also a smoker, (He’s now on his 2nd year smoke free), so I had to have him on board to support me also. I wish he would’ve quit with me because it would have made it easier, but he just wasn’t ready at the time. I simply did not let him smoke in the house until I had a grip on things. And he couldn’t smoke around me at all the first week or so. (Warning: When you quit, it smells sooooo bad if someone smokes around you!)

My last day as a smoker, I smoked as much as I could before going to bed. I left one cigarette in my pack as my “emergency/security blanket.” (Never smoked it). The next morning, QUIT DAY, my anxiety was insane and physical symptoms were awful. I immediately went to the pharmacy before work to buy patches (never used them, I returned for a refund) and nicotine gum. I actually cried real tears to the pharmacist that I was quitting tobacco today and needed help. I was sweating and shaking and felt HORRIBLE! I made it through the whole work day on edge but “okay”, then the moment I got into my car to go home, I sobbed the whole way. Smoking while driving was my favorite, and now it was over. Once home, I chewed on the one and only piece of nicotine gum I ever used, in my car, until the physical withdrawal passed. The rest of the evening, I held a cigarette in my hand and sucked on it here and there pretending it was lit. I also downloaded an app called “Smoke Free” that cheered me on with badges, tips, encouragement and tracking money saved, as I progressed. 

Day two, I woke up and immediately went to my local Vape store and purchased a starter kit for about $50. (I did eventually upgrade to a box mod.) Before you get all judgmental, I know vaping is not good for you, just like cigarettes. But vaping 100% saved me and my efforts, even though the switch SUCKS at first. I truly think if you’re going to quit by using a vape, you should stick to ONLY vaping! I don’t believe you can successfully quit using both the vape and cigs together. And you should probably do it the same way I did, since it worked so well for me.

I found a flavor I liked at 12mg nicotine (recommended to me based on how much I was smoking daily). And I only vaped that one flavor the entire time; Never got into trying different flavors. The first day or two, I choked and coughed and really was not enjoying the vape... then my throat got used to it. (Hang in there!) After about a month, I dropped to 10mg, then 8mg. Stayed at that level for a while. Every time I dropped nicotine levels, it took a day or two for me to get used to, but I just had to be patient. Eventually it felt fine. 

Then I dropped again to 6mg, 3mg... and eventually I was combining 3mg and 0mg to make a 1.5mg nicotine. All in all, I vaped for right at a year while continuing to lower my nicotine levels over that time. Once I was at 0mg nicotine, I found myself vaping less every day until one day I realized, “hey... I haven’t vaped all day.” It was absolutely amazing. I still would vape when drinking for maybe the first two months, simply because when I drank is when I would want the hand to mouth motion the most, but at that point it was honestly all in my head. A few months after our wedding, I knew we were go to try to start our family. So it was super easy to give it up completely before we started trying in November 2016. 

Shortly after I quit the vape completely, my husband had his first kidney stone and went to the ER. During his CT scan, they found a small nodule on his lung, which has not grown since, but it freaked him out enough that he quit the very next day, the same way I did. Today, he is 532 days smoke free, is on 0mg nicotine, using his vape less every day, and I’m so proud of him.  

OUR HOUSE NO LONGER SMELLS LIKE NASTY CIGARETTES! 

Unless you’ve been a smoker, it’s kind of hard to understand. But it is such a cool feeling being free from it. And having empty hands. And being told by my mom (who still unfortunately smokes) how good I smell ALL THE TIME. And my teeth are now getting whiter, thanks to some white strips. And my gums are healthy and not hurting. And my dentist tells me every 6 months how beautiful my teeth are. And I don’t ever need “smoke breaks.” And my cough is gone. And I can run on the treadmill. And my nails and hair are healthier. And my skin is clearer. And food tastes better! Gosh, It’s just AMAZING! 

With quitting I did gain weight; about 35lbs total. Which I’m still working on getting rid of today. I’ve been dieting off and on for the last 2 years and from my heaviest, I am down 23lbs. My mom always says that my will power is wayyyy stronger than others, but I don’t think so. I’ve just always been the kind of person that when I put my mind to something I stick to it. I don’t go back on my word. If I say I’m going to do it, I’m dead serious. Maybe that why I was so successful with quitting while others still struggle. I don’t know the answer to that. But I do know that if I can do it, and my husband can do it, ANYONE can. 

As amazing as all of this is, I still crave a cigarette on occasion. I don’t think that will ever go away completely. But I am stronger than any desire I’ll ever have for a cigarette! I just distract myself and the desire just goes away. Weirdly enough, I still smoke in my dreams sometimes. And I always wake up completely blown away by the fact that I am smoking. Thank God it’s just a dream!! 

So I will just end this post by saying, 3 Years Smoke Free for me! I am SO PROUD TO BE A QUITTER!  If you’re a smoker, you can be too! If you’re not a smoker, feel free to share my story with smoking friends and family to motivate them to quit. 

On to Round 2 - Weekend Recap with my Love

This past weekend was a fun one spent one on one with my love. We don’t get many weekends just the 2 of us due to his racing schedule/addiction. Lol! And with him being a business owner, he does end up working fairly often on the weekend. So Friday night, we had tickets to go see a Lee Brice, LANCO and Lewis Brice concert at Innsbrook Afterhours. We got there right after gates opened and propped our chairs up front row (behind the VIP section) which was awesome! Right as Lewis Brice finished up his set, it started to storm pretty badly. Of course, for liability reasons, the cops on duty kicked us all out of the fenced in area to wait out the storm. We left our chairs in hopes that our spot would be saved when coming back in. Which we were lucky and got right back in that spot. The concert was lots of fun with great music and singing our hearts out… plus on and off rain which kept us cool in this Virginia humidity. We heard LANCO (loveee!) and Lee Brice sang some of his more popular songs before lightning struck again making them call it a night.

Saturday, was partly cloudy and VERY cool for this time of year! We took the boat out for about 5 hours and soaked up the sun! We both got burnt pretty good since we couldn’t actually feel the sun on our skin until it was too late.

This book is amazing by the way.

 

  

After our boat ride, we went home, showered and got ready to go out to dinner at one of my FAVORITES! Maggiano’s! If you have one near you, definitely worth the extra cost for some wonderful Italian food. The weather being as beautiful as it was, we ate out on the patio and I had me a glass of Sangria.

We walked around the mall after, went into Lush for the first time and treated myself to some bath oils, bombs, and a hair treatment called ROOTS. Then went to Alex and Ani and got myself a new bracelet off the clearance table.

Sunday, Jonathan did have to work for a while. So I stayed home and cleaned house, did a few loads of laundry and worked in our home office getting some invoices sent out to customers. We REALLY spoiled ourselves with our meals this weekend (definitely didn’t stick to my Keto diet), and went out to Kabuto’s (Hibachi) for dinner. Our chef was great, and sang songs to us and cracked jokes the whole time. Sometimes you get a dud that doesn’t like to perform, but this guy most definitely earned his tips from the three couples he was cooking for. He said, "call me Black Panda." HAHAHA!

 

It was a wonderful weekend spent focusing on each other, and I loved every minute of it. Back to racing this upcoming weekend, so I have to soak up all the spoiling when I can.

Going to work on Monday morning is never fun, but I had to wake up super early for a blood draw. Plus my coworker is on vacation this week, so I am manning the office by myself. It can get pretty stressful and busy at times, but I am enjoying the peace of having the place to myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my coworker, but I think she likes hearing herself talk. She literally never shuts up! I hate saying that, but sometimes you just want to work in silence instead of being interrupted every 15 seconds by her chatting, or narrating every move she makes… or just making noises. Or saying the same things she says every.single.day over and over and over again. I will say though, that since my miscarriage, I have really opened up to her about my struggle with infertility and its been a HUGE weight off my shoulders to have her know the complete 100% truth. She is super understanding about all of my appointments and even now more aware of the cause of my moodiness at times. Its been probably the best decision I could have made telling her the truth.

Anyways, round one of Femara 2.5mg did not work, and even though I had a few days in a slump of sadness and disappointment, I am ready to press onward! My Monday morning blood work confirmed for my doctor that I did not ovulate. She called me today at lunch time today to tell me our plan for round 2. First off, we are jumping right into 10 days of Prometrium to get a new cycle started. Then, I will be taking 5mg of Femara days 3-7 this time, and hoping that the stronger dose will make my ovaries do work! Feeling positive and hopeful, but trying to keep my hopes in check in case we don’t get the desired results. I am so pleased with my new OB. She always calls me personally, instead of having a nurse do it. And she is on board with keeping things moving, rather than waiting around until day 35 or later to get progressing to a new cycle.

I just want to say thank you to anyone who actually reads all this stuff I write. Sometimes I think I’m pretty weird for writing these posts for anyone (or no one) to see. But its actually pretty therapeutic, feeling like I am updating someone on my life. And if anything, I will be able to look back at these posts in the future and remember the journey to get where I am going. <3

TTC Update: Femara / Weekend Recap / 2nd Wedding Anniversary

Haven’t put out a post in a while; life has been TOO busy lately. Figured I would come on here and give a quick TTC update AND a recap of this past fun weekend we had.

I actually saw my new OBGYN on 6/14 for my annual exam. Being 10dpo, I asked them to do a pregnancy test. I knew it would be negative since I had already tested myself that morning, but I wanted them to test too...negative. I was able to just talk to my new doctor for a good 15 minutes about everything that has occurred up to that point. I also explained to her that I believe I have PCOS but never had a doctor willing to do the work to give me a diagnosis. Well she said they would take care of that! Love having an OB that wants to help and get answers! She did my exam then took lots of blood work. Tested Progesterone (confirmed I did ovulate but was fairly low), Thyroid (normal), Diabetes (negative) and lastly Testosterone (was on the HIGH end of normal). Last thing to be done was to get an ultrasound to look at my ovaries. I went in the following Thursday, had my first ever ultrasound, and low and behold… each ovary had 8-10 small cysts. Its official, I have a formal PCOS diagnosis. Not that I doubted I did, but to finally have a professional confirm it gave me the satisfaction of knowing that EVERYTHING I have gone through, and “symptoms” I deal with regularly are not just in my head. There is a culprit. And its name is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
After reviewing my ultrasound with my Dr, I told her I was on CD6 and even though she prefers days 3-7, she went ahead and gave me a prescription for the lowest dose of Femara/Letrozole (2.5mg) to try this cycle. Said we will up it to 5mg next time if I don’t ovulate this round. I was literally so excited and on cloud 9 the rest of the day about getting to start right away. I thought I was going to have to wait through this cycle before getting some help. Of course I quit taking Vitex because I don’t think it’s smart to combine the two. (Although she didn’t tell me to quit the Vitex. I don’t think she knew much about it.)
So, as of today (6/27 – CD12), I have finished taking my first round of Femara and thinking maybe I’m feeling a little bit going on with my ovaries. The side effects haven’t been nearly as extreme as Clomid. I do feel fatigued, like all the time, but no nausea, no hot flashes, no headaches, minor moodiness (so far lol). Now I am just hoping that I’m growing a couple good follicles and will ovulate in a timely manner. So that’s that!

On to the fun weekend recap.
Friday after work, I got my nails done and spent the rest of the evening relaxing. Then Saturday, DRAG RACING! Due to flooding here locally Thursday night, and rain forecasted for Saturday, races near us were all cancelled.




So we decided to check out Roxboro Dragway in Timberlake, NC. It was our first time there, but we really liked it a lot. It is a very nice facility. They had a few guys from Street Outlaws there, and Nitro Mike Kunz was there. (He holds the world record for longest wheel stand.) So it was a larger event then I think they usually have.


 

Two of Jonathan’s racing buddies also made the trip down with us which it was nice so we knew some other people there. I cooked burgers on the grill and got a good suntan being out there in the heat. But it was an awesome day! Jonathan WON in Footbrake, and made it all the way to the semi-finals in Top which is a HUGE accomplishment! We were rushing a lot towards the end because he kept having to race, then come right back the staging lanes and race again. His buddies had lost earlier in the day and were able to help him fuel up and check tire air pressure, so he could kind of focus and stay in the zone. He had a young boy come up and ask for his autograph. (So sweet!) Another man came up to him and pointed up at the bleachers saying “My son is your biggest fan, been cheering for you all day!” It was really cool to see Jonathan getting recognized for the awesome racer he is! Even though I would have to disagree, because I am his TRUE biggest fan. Ha! Not to mention his truck was running awesome all day! When I saw his win light come on in the final, I was screaming and jumping up and down and everyone was looking at me smiling because I was so darn excited and proud I couldn’t contain myself. For the first time, I went up to the other racer’s girlfriend and told her that it was an awesome race and shook her hand. It was such a close race, but we were on the winning end this time. When he red lit in the Top semifinals against a dragster, I was a little sad for him but still so thrilled that he already won in the other class.
Drag racing is such a great sport with some really awesome people. Most guys (and girls) would do anything to help their fellow racer.
Needless to say, he made a name for himself at Roxboro Motorsports Park and his friend requests have been BLOWING up ever since.


We got our picture taken in the winner’s circle, then loaded up and made the 2.5 hour drive home. Which put us getting home after 1AM. Next morning I slept in a bit while Jonathan got some office work done. We went to good old Cracker Barrel for breakfast, then I had to do my part of paperwork in the office for a couple hours. Finished that and went to visit my friend Candace; we baked some amazing cookies and played with her daughter Lola. I had to boogie home and wake Jonathan up from his nap so we could go out to dinner with my Granny, Mom and Ed to a new place called the Tasty Crab for dinner. It was sooooo Yummy! Love crablegs! Even better when they are free; Mom and Ed treated us to our meal for our anniversary.



Monday June 25th, Jonathan and I celebrated our 2nd Wedding Anniversary by going out to dinner together. 2 Years of Marriage and we have already created such a beautiful life together. I am so incredibly blessed to be married to such an amazing man. No mushy love letter to share with ya’ll this year since it was a bit more personal and private. But I am so looking forward and excited to now be transitioning into our 3rd year of marriage and all that we will get to experience together in the future.
I hope to get a pic like this on our anniversary every year so we can see how each of us changes over the years.

NINE CURRENT OBSESSIONS!

Thought I would share a post of a few items/products that I am current OBSESSED with! 

 1. & 2. Are both from Eden’s Garden. I have been interested in essential oils for a while now, but just recently expanded my collection. The first one is the Anxiety Ease Synergy Blend. It’s a combination of Sweet Orange, Ylang Ylang and Lemongrass and is AMAZING! I have diffused it twice now and absolutely love it. It is so good I HAD to make a rollerball to carry with me in my purse, so I dabbled in my first oil mixing experience. I used Hemp Seed oil as a carrier. I did 2 drops of anxiety ease per teaspoon of carrier oil. Number 2 is their Frankincense & Myrrh Synergy Blend which is a blend of Myrrh, Cedarwood Himalayan, Frankincense, Cedarwood Virginian and Cistus. I purchased it in the roll-on bottle which is already diluted with Fraction Coconut oil. To explain my excitement over this, you have to understand that Frankincense and Myrrh have been used for over 5,000 years. They were given as gifts to baby Jesus when he was born, along with gold (Matthew 2:11). These oils were of tremendous value in Biblical times and leave me in awe of our amazing God, who commanded Moses to use as an incense to burn at the Alter of Incense (Exodus 30:34). I just find it incredibly fascinating how these oils are still available for use today. I like rub this on my wrists and dab it on my neck before Bible Study, Church, when I am doing my daily devotional, or even when I just want to feel a little closer to God. About this blend, Eden’s Garden says, “Along with a remarkable aroma, it has many antiseptic, anti-inflammatory and analgesic properties that can help support the respiratory system, high cholesterol and chronic pain.”

 3. Lighthouse Avocado Dip & Spread – Last week I decided I want to give my best attempt at following a Keto diet (High Fat, Moderate Protein and Low Carb). My first couple of days I simply tried my best but didn’t actually meet the goal macro’s that was set for me off of a Keto Calculator. I was doing okay on the carbs, eating too much protein and too little fat. I tell you, it is HARD to eat 97g of GOOD fat a day! So after my workout yesterday, I went to the grocery store and browsed looking for things that would help me with this. Along with 3 bags of Pork Rinds, Bacon, Butter & huge bottle of Full Fat Ranch…I picked up this Avocado dip to give a try. IT IS DELICOUS! You can use it as a dip, as a dressing, as a sauce… I put it on my egg and cheese sandwich this morning and it is the perfect addition of healthy fats to my daily meals.

4. Apple AirPods – I had been wanting AirPods since they first came out, and my sweet husband surprised me out of the blue one day a couple months ago with my own pair! I tell you, now that I am back in the gym and using them regularly, I could not see going back to non-wireless headphones. To me they have great sound quality, stay charged for SEVERAL uses before needing to be plugged up, and connect to my phone faster than I can open their carrier and put in each ear.

5. Redken’s All Soft Shampoo – Been using this shampoo for the past month and decided that I was going to purchase another bottle. It leaves my fine hair feeling fuller and softer. It has been hard for me in the past to find shampoos that don’t weigh down my fine hair, so when I find on that I like and works good, I tend to stick with it for awhile.

6. Mrs. Meyers Multi-Surface Everyday Cleaner (Peony) – Can I just stop right hear and acknowledge the fact that this is a CLEANING product that SMELLS AMAZING! I don’t even feel the need to burn a candle when I have wiped down all of our surfaces with this awesome cleaner. It works great on many different areas of my home and its ingredients are at least 98% plant-derived according to Mrs. Meyer’s website. I also have a bottle of their Honeysuckle scent, which smells equally amazing.

7. Olly Prenatal Gummy Vitamin – I have been using this Prenatal Vitamin for a few months now and love that it’s a gummy, tastes good and has all the good stuff my body needs while TTC. I am sad to say I finished off my current container yesterday and am having to switch to a different non-gummy Prenatal temporarily while I am on the Keto diet. This vitamin has 6g of carbs and when I am only allowed 20 net grams of carbs per day… I cannot be wasting them on a vitamin. Don’t worry, I love them so much that when/if I finish the Keto diet, I do plan on going back to these instead of the huge stinky ones I am using for now.

8. In Due Time 60 Day Devotional by Caroline Harries – THIS BOOK! You guys, this incredible, simple, scripture-based devotional has been so good for my soul. It has helped me to adjust my way of thinking and changed my heart for the better. It has also helped me to let go of the hurt, sadness, anger and overall stress I’ve been feeling during this season of waiting I am in. I HIGHLY recommend this book to every woman I know struggling with infertility. 

 9. Hot Tools BEE FLAT – This flat iron by Helen of Troy is amazing. So, I’ve had the same hair straightener for the last 10 years. Recently when I was using it, it made a loud POP!!! I quickly yanked the plug out the wall and threw it away. So I needed to buy a new one. I went to my local Sally’s Beauty and looked at the huge selection available. Immediately my eyes were drawn to this one, probably because of the bright yellow color. But it works awesome. It heats up in seconds and has an awesome safety feature to cut it off after 2 hours, which my last one did not have.

I hope you enjoyed reading about these current Obsessions that have me all kinds of excited right now. Let me know if you have used any of the products/items listed. Happy Tuesday all!

Life Update - Clomid Failed & Mother's Day

Well I haven't put up a post in a little while. Been taking some time to myself. Time to relax and be still. Time to find peace for myself. Time to just step back and STOP obsessing. My third round of Clomid failed. I didn’t even ovulate. Today is CD39 and nothing. Talk about annoying! All that confidence I had going into round 3 wasn’t for nothing though. I did and still do have complete confidence that if the Lord wants us to conceive, he will make it happen. But I really did have SO MUCH confidence that we would be successful with clomid. I was convinced that I would be looking at a positive pregnancy test by Mother’s Day. But my plans/hopes did not line up with what the Lord is wanting for me at this time. I don’t know if it’s a “sign” or not, but I feel that the fact that I didn’t even ovulate is God’s way of telling me that now is not the time and I just need to be patient. I’ve been praying more and more that He will show me the next door I am to walk through. I don’t do well at just being still and feel like I need some sort of something to focus on. 

After a couple weeks of ignoring the gym, I did finally make it back yesterday. Took all the willpower I could muster to make myself go. It’s weird though, because as soon as I got in my car and started driving to the gym, all the desire to stay at home disappeared. Fitness is something that has always fascinated me, but I’ve never actually been a “fit” person. I watch a couple people on Youtube that are fitness “gurus” and it does motivate me and make me want to get fit and take better care of my body. So for now, I am deciding to focus on my body and my food and my fitness. Maybe I’ll do like that Whole30 or something. (I don’t even know what Whole30 is, lol.) I know I need to lose a few pounds. According to US “standards,” I need to lose at least 15lbs to be considered in the “normal weight” range. Well 15 is not a big number… I can do it if I work hard and eat right. So for now, I am going to try to get in a routine and focus on taking care of myself physically and mentally. I know my mental health would improve greatly if I had more confidence in my body. Not only am I out of shape, but my body has continued to let me down. Dumb ovaries not doing what they are made to do! PCOS makes things hard. All the extra weight I carry, is on my stomach. I look pregnant and get asked regularly if I am. I don’t wear fitted shirts anymore because of this. PCOS also makes it harder to lose the weight. PCOS makes me break out terribly with painful acne. PCOS makes me grow hair where I DON’T want it. PCOS makes the hair on my head super fine and fall out. PCOS makes my hormones all kinds of crazy making my moods all kinds of crazy making me feel like a crazy, ugly, hairy person. Just being honest here, my self-esteem is extremely low and kind of always has been. But more so now that I have extra weight bringing me down. I am still down about 15lbs from when I was my heaviest, but would love to knock off another 15. Pulled out my summer clothes recently, and NONE of my shorts fit. Not a single pair. Talk about a wake up call. And I know I cannot blame my weight gain on clomid alone when I've been eating terribly and avoiding the gym.

I did want to touch on Mother’s Day in this post. I made it through gracefully and didn’t lose my mind like I did last year. We had a fun filled weekend leading up to Mother’s Day, so that helped. I took off work the Friday before. Went and got a pedicure, my nails done and even had them do my eyebrows. Jonathan switched his race truck from running on gasoline to alcohol. So we went to a race Friday evening to test it out. No win, but it ran good, a bit faster.

 

It was nice because some of our friends (Clark and Katie) were there also. Katie and I got to ride around on the golf cart and talk and just get to know each other better. I am just so glad that we have become friends with her and her husband because they are such nice people. I know racing is something that Jonathan will be doing for the rest of his life, so it actually feels like the beginning of what will be a lifelong friendship. She and I have been able to relate on some things and she’s been kind of a “confidant” for me. She has encouraged me with the occasional text including scripture or song to listen to, or just checking in. Seeing her faith and how strong it is has really helped me and my desire to grow in my own. I doubt she even knows, but she has helped me tremendously without really even having to try. I need to make sure I thank her for that next time we see each other.

Anywho, continuing into Saturday. I woke up early and went to MCC’s annual yard sale with my mother-in-law. Found us a nice dart board for only $10! We are going to hang it in the garage so Jonathan and I have something fun to do together. I did find a couple other small things, picture frames, lemonade dispenser and a couple cute Halloween figurines. Afterwards, I met up with my Mom. We went to a 1st Birthday party for my cousin’s daughter, which was super cute and quick. Next, we went to N&W Salvage where I bought a couple little things for my flower beds. I went home after that and did some house chores. I was so sleepy from the night before (we didn’t get home until after midnight), I laid down to take a nap and accidently set my alarm for AM instead of PM… I woke up at 3AM completely confused and disoriented. I was going to stay awake at that point, but I am thinking my body just needed the rest because I actually went back to sleep again from 5-8:30. Woke up and went to my mom’s to cook her breakfast.

 HomeChef had a Mother’s Day special for Pineapple Upside-down PANcakes with non alcoholic Mom-mosa’s, so I decided I would cook breakfast for mom instead of going to church this year. I know that I shouldn’t avoid going to church, but last year we went and I was an emotional wreck and decided I wasn’t going to put myself through that again this year. After breakfast, we played a game of backgammon and then I headed home so we could take Jonathan’s mom out on the boat for a ride. I was SOOOOO GLAD to be back out on the water! It was a beautiful day all in all. And I didn’t allow myself to go to that dark place of sadness like last year.

 
 
Mother's Day was actually easier than I expected. I know so many women have had chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, and lost their babies in utero due to other causes , and I am sure that they are hurting even more than myself on Mother’s Day. Now I know that my chemical pregnancy was a baby… or would have been a baby. There wasn’t actually a heartbeat yet, I had no ultrasound. I hadn’t experienced a growing belly or even really wrapped my mind around being pregnant before it was over. And honestly, I kind of don’t feel like I lost a baby. I feel like I lost a pregnancy. Maybe I am wrong for thinking that way, maybe I am right. Maybe I am feeling that way as a defense mechanism. I don’t know the answer to that. But I know that other women lost their babies. They had time to start loving their unborn child. For me, it all happened so fast. I don’t really feel like my loss was as bad as others. And thats the complete truth for me. I understand that this may be an unpopular opinion among my few readers. Yes, I loved the fact that Jonathan and I together, created life. But I just don’t feel like I lost a child and I don’t actually consider myself to be a mother to an angel baby. I think of myself more as, I'll say, a “Mom in the making.” For others that have experienced a Chemical Pregnancy, they may feel differently and that is 100% okay. My feelings about my situation does not take away from others and whether or not they consider themselves to be a mother. And there are definitely Mothers that have miscarried or lost a baby further along and they are definitely Mother’s in my mind. But not me. I can’t really explain why I feel that way. But I can say that I am grateful for these feelings because it has helped me not to grieve continuously over what could have been. Yes, it was the hardest thing I have ever gone though, yes I still have sad moments, but my heart aches soooooo much more for the women whose losses were so much harder for them. I pray that God comforts all of these women because I can only imagine having to go through what others have, and it is absolutely devastating to even think about.

Well that is all I have to update on at this time. I hope each of you had a wonderful Mother’s Day celebrating and being celebrated. I am hoping to start posting regularly again, but not making any promises. Focusing on a goal of losing 15lbs should keep me pretty occupied, and will update when I start making progress.