Clomid Round 3

Figured I would come on here and talk about where we are at with trying to get pregnant. I have continued to chart my BBT pretty consistently since last August. And the reason I chart it is because it lets me know without a doubt if I have ovulated or not. Disclaimer: Yes, I am one of those women that is all up in the science of TTC. I am the kind of person that likes to know exactly how things work. So when it comes to me trying to get pregnant, I do rely heavily on science and biology and how the woman's body actually works when it comes to doing so. I am also a whole hearted believer that God is in control of whether or not we actually conceive, regardless of if Clomid helps me ovulate or not.

CD57 - 57 days after my chemical pregnancy my body decided it was going to ovulate on its own. I was ecstatic but not really not too shocked, since Clomid can stay in your system for some time.  On 8dpo, AF showed up. Without Provera, on its own, real life period, showed up. This was amazing! I get it, after you ovulate, you get a period... But thats not the case for someone with PCOS that is annovulatory majority of the time. I believe the short luteal phase is due to the length of my cycle, but I honestly have no idea.

Anywho, Jonathan and I decided that we are confident in doing another round of Clomid for this very cycle. I am so happy that we chose not to delay any longer. My momma heart has so much love to give! I believe that with lots of prayer and petition and asking the Lord persistantly for that which my heart desires, he will one day bless me with getting pregnant again. I hope and pray that now is the timing that he has in mind. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." 

- Philipians 4:6

"Be Persistant in prayer, and keep alert as you pray, giving thanks to God." 

- Colossians 4:2

In the 60-Day Devotional I am reading, In Due Time by Caroline Harries, it has encouraged me to declare those blessings over my life and claim those things as already mine. 

"Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he say will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." 

- Mark 11:23

In conversation with a friend of mine recently, she made one of these bold and confident declarations. It was so encouraging to me to see a friend of mine making these declarations that I am reading about in my devotional! I figure, if I am reading about it, and also at the same time I have a friend unknowingly demonstrating the same thing that I am reading.... this has got to be God nudging me to be stronger in my faith in him and how powerful he is! I need to have the same confidence in making declarations to God, and believe that what I pray for WILL come true.

My Declaration: If it is God's Will, I will get Pregnant this cycle with a healthy baby! I will take a test in early May and see two SOLID pink lines!  

Lord, I am so grateful for your Word and how it is a tool for me to use through my day-to-day. It is such a blessing how compleletely relevant it is to my life in every situation I face. I know you blessed Sarah and Abraham with allowing Sarah to conceive. BY FAITH! Thank you Lord, for this gives me such an incredible hope.

"And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise." 

- Hebrews 11:11

Today is CD 9, and I finished the last dose of Clomid 100mg Saturday night. In the past two cycles we took clomid days 5-9. It took my body 10 days to ovulate last time. So, I decided to try days 3-7 in hopes of ovulating a little earlier in my cycle. I am also drinking 8oz of 100% Pomegranate Juice CDs 1-14 to hopefully encourage a healthy uterine lining.

Clomid has given me a few hot flashes and twinges in my ovaries, but nothing out of the ordinary. I'm lucky I don't have any crazy side effects like some women. I'm sure I will get a little moody over the next couple days, but thats also a pretty common thing  for me when I take Clomid. Could be hormone related, or could be just my anxiousness keeping me on edge. So that's whats going on in a little more than a nutshell. 

I hope if you're reading this, you will be encouraged to also make the same kind of declarations to God in whatever situation you are facing. But don't forget to praise him for all of the blessings you have recieved and that you will receive from Him in the future. I encourage you to read Galatians chapter 3 as it helped me so much to understand why I have the right to claim these blessings and declare them as my own. 

Home Chef: Cajun Shrimp Tacos

I recently decided that I wanted to try one of those meal delivery kits, because I love to cook. I did some research and looked at current meals being offered by Blue Apron, Hello Fresh and Home Chef. In the end I decided to go with Home Chef simply because they had the most appealing meals offered. I do believe the price is the same as HelloFresh. Our first order was delievered right on schedule and I was excited to dive right in and cook a meal. The first meal: Cajun Shrimp Tacos with a Creamy Corn Slaw. I tried to capture each step for you to see how simple it is. And to offer you a link for $30 OFF your first order if you're interested in trying!

I'd say the most time consuming part is chopping/slicing/dicing all your produce. Other than that, this meal was super easy. 

Ingredients: 

Green Pepper

Shallot

Lime

Corn

Sour Cream

Shrimp

Cajun seasoning

Slaw mix

Tortillas

Crunchy Jalepenos (if desired)

First, I removed the husk, rinsed and removed kernels in a bowl using a knife. 

Next, I cut the lime in half, juiced one half and cut the other into quarters.

Seeded and removed ribs from green pepper, then sliced thinly.

Sliced the shallot thinly.

Shrimp needed to be patted dry with a papertowel. Then I seasoned both sides with a pinch of salt and the cajun seasoning.

Over medium-high heat, I blackened the corn with a tsp. olive oil. I should've known a lid would be necessary. I had corn popping up in the air and oil splattering everywhere! It was a hot mess! I removed the corn pretty quickly because it was making such a mess. 

Then prepared the slaw mix by combining with the corn, sour cream, 1 tablespoon of the lime juice, and 1 tsp salt in a bowl. I did add a little mayo out of my own fridge to improve the slaw, in my opinion. 

Using the same pan (wiped clean) over medium heat, I added 2 tsp of olive oil and then the shrimp.

Cooking on both sides 60-90 seconds

Transferred my shrimp to a plate, added more olive oil to the pan and cooked the green pepper and shallot slices with a pinch of salt. After about 5 minutes, I added the shrimp back in a bit longer to soften the shallot and green pepper.

I warmed the tortillas in my microwave with a moist paper towel wrapped around the stack for 30 seconds. (I HAD NO IDEA you could do this and it work so well to warm them all!)

Then I assembled the tacos! Topping with a squeeze of a lime and crispy jalepenos. They were so good!

Jonathan and I were extremely pleased with the food that we recieved for both of our first meals. The other meal was Provolone Stuffed Turkey Meatloaf with Spicy Green Beans. And we enjoyed that just as much, if not more than the tacos. Week 2 we got Pot Sticker Burgers (amazing!) and Creamy Tomato Skillet Lasagna that I am cooking this evening. 

Plates come to about $9.95 per person, we are doing 2 meals a week, which with shipping would be $50 a week. A little steep, but the meals are good, healthy and perfectly portioned for just the two of us. Not to mention for the 15th time, I LOVE TO COOK! We have ordered our 3rd week already and we chose THREE meals! They sounded so good, I couldn't only get 2. Due to ordering 3 meals, shipping was free, which I appreciated that. 

Home Chef has an app, that was you can look at all the recipes, ingredients, calories, difficulty, etc all right from your phone. Also, you can opt to skip any week you choose as long as its before the deadline provided. Being able to do it all from my phone makes things so much easier. 

If you have any interest in trying Home Chef, please do so through my link to receive $30 OFF your first order. I will recieve a small credit if anyone purchases through me, as most referral links work. Hope you enjoy!

https://www.homechef.com/invite/gbzRpEH2w7Ek9

Weekend Recap - Easter Weekend

This past weekend was an extended one since my boss is kind enough to let us be closed on Good Friday. For years now I have gone to a Good Friday Mud Bog! If you aren't from the south you probably have never heard of such, but its something that we do for fun around these parts. I went with my girlfriend Megan and her other half, and met up a while later with my friend Amanda who was also there.




We had such a fun time and I was able to see so many people that I don't see all the time. I ran into a couple girls that I went to high school with. One of them in particular had been posting on Facebook recently a few "incognito" things that led me to believe she is also struggling with infertility. Now I wasn't positive on this, but I smiled at her and said "I think you and I might be going through something very similar in our lives right now." She immediately said that I was right and we gave each other the biggest hug and talked briefly about where we were at in our journey. We both shared that we had experienced a loss (she's had 2), and just took comfort in knowing that we are not alone in this. Its strange how something so common is also at the same time, not often talked about openly. There are SO MANY WOMEN going through infertility, child loss or pregnancy loss that need the support of others. And even the women who are just getting started with trying to grow a family that have no idea how rocky that road will be ahead of them, they also need support and encouragement. We are all connected by that same desire to conceive and give birth to a healthy baby. This kind of thing is so much more common than any of us even really know. Wether its 1 in 8, or 1 in 4, or whatever the true ratio may be, its actually amazing how many women you interact with on a daily basis that have been in your shoes or in a similar pair.

I am feeling stronger everyday, and it shows by the fact that I was able to openly discuss my loss with another woman... in public. Because of the comfort and support I have received from other women who have been so open with me, I am hopeful that sharing my story will also provide comfort to another woman on her journey.

Saturday was race day! First points race of the season, and Jonathan's first time driving the new truck he's been working on. He was so nervous, as was I. You never know quite exactly what a new motor is going to do the first time you push the gas to the floor and hold it there. I never would've guess that Jonathan would hit a perfect "trip zip" light on his first pass, but that's exactly what he did! The truck ran great and was consistent all day. Jonathan did lose in round 3, but all in all it was an awesome first points race of the year. We are so excited that it is racing season again and we will be able to spend time at the track with all of our friends.



Easter Sunday, we woke up early and I got to work making two new recipes I found. One for corned beef hash (didn't come out great) and another for Eggs Benedict Casserole (was so yummy!!) for brunch at my mom's. I was a little disappointed that they planned an 11 o'clock brunch this year, because that kind of interrupted our church plans. But I love my family, and was glad I was able to see my Granny and my cousins. I did make the suggestion to do a late lunch next year, that way Jonathan and I can still attend assembly beforehand (our church doesn't currently have "early service").

I have been trying to work on my courage when it comes to sharing my faith and just pray that God continues to work in me through his Spirit to help me be bold and brave and share the wonderful news that Jesus died for our sins and was resurrected, just as he said would happen. I am so extremely grateful for all of the gifts God has blessed me with in this life. I will be forever amazed by the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross so that all of my sins (and yours) could be forgiven. Thank you God, for your perfect plan, that has been in place for my life from the very beginning.

Romans 6:3-5 New International Version (NIV)
3 Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. 5 For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his.

If you ever have any questions about Scripture and the truth in what the Bible says, I encourage you to take it upon yourself, open your Bible and read the truth. If there is something you don't quite understand, ask someone. If you are feeling unsure about what someone is telling you, consult someone else. You WILL feel convicted in knowing the truth. If you are seeking the truth, you will find it.

Filet Mignon Bruschetta

Its Friday, and I wanted to get a post on the blog today. Recently I have tried out some fun and creative recipes and figured I could share one of my favorites on here. There is an Italian Restaurant that Jonathan and I will eat at on occasion called Giambanco's. They have this one appetizer that we order everytime we go because it is so yummy! It is the Filet Mignon Bruschetta, and I decided I would remake it at home as a meal for dinner one night, and boy am I glad I did! It is sooooooo good, you have to try it. I promise you won't be disappointed.

Of course my finished product didn't really look like Giambanco's, it still had the same amazing flavor.

This recipe will make about 5-6 servings as an appetizer OR 2-3 servings as a meal.

You will need:

Asparagus, I used one bunch which had about 24 spears.

2 Medium Onions, sliced in long strips

1 baguette or French bread sliced

2 Filet Mignon, (about 1 lb)

1 Boursin Garlic & Herb cheese spread

olive oil

salt and pepper

First, chop off the asparagus heads at about 3.5-4 inches long. Wash and place in a bowl.

Add a bit of olive oil, salt and pepper and mix around so asparagus is coated. Set to side.

Next, begin to caramelize sliced onion in pan with olive oil or butter.

Once these start to golden, Put asparagus in a separate pan to sauté.

Slice French bread into round crostini's. Toast if desired. Spread decent amount of the Boursin Cheese on each.

 

My husband cooked the steaks outside on the grill about 7 minutes per side for a medium well cook. Once he brought the steaks in, I sliced into strips and began to assemble.

 2 asparagus heads on top of the cheese spread, 1 or two slices of steak on top of asparagus, then the yummy caramelized onions on top of steak.

Ta-da! Enjoy!

Life Update: Moving Forward after Pregnancy Loss

It’s been a little while since I’ve shared on here. I’m sure you can understand after our recent loss that it has taken me some time to mentally level out my emotions, which still swing from one way to the other often. One day I’m angry, the next day I’m sad, then a while later I am happy and positive and motivated. It’s really weird how the mood swings have been. Its funny to think that one day, I am gung ho about going for it again right away, next day I want to wait for a couple months, and other days I think I just want to wait even longer. Not sure quite at this point what I want for sure, and that’s okay. I am giving myself this freedom and time to just take care of me and my needs, while trying to grow from this experience. I will know when I am ready to try again.

My OB retires here soon and 3/9 will be her last day seeing patients. Thanks to her, she called me in one more round of Clomid to take next cycle OR when we are ready. Just having the prescription in my possession has made a world of difference in how I am feeling. Like somehow having it is giving me some kind of control back, that when I am ready to try again, I have what I need. Makes me feel a bit more at peace with this “in between” time of giving my body a break from all the medicine. I always have to remind myself that I have been inducing my periods with Provera for nearly a year now. Then I’ve thrown two rounds of Clomid on top of that. I know that doesn’t seem like much but when it is hormones that you’re messing with, it can have a huge effect on your body and mind.

I really hope that one day I will be able to take this experience I’ve gained, and will be able to share my story and maybe help other women. Right now, I am only this comfortable and confident behind a keyboard. To talk about it in person would probably break me.

I went to have a manicure/fill in this past Sunday, and a girl I went to high school with was sitting and waiting so I sat with her. She had obviously come with a friend who was getting her pedicure done a few feet away and they were talking. Topic of their discussion, a girl who recently had a miscarriage. Then about another girl they knew that miscarried every time she got pregnant. I wanted to either crawl into a corner or jump out of my skin and run out of there. I wasn’t sure which would have been best and was starting to tear up when they finally changed the subject. A few moments later, the girl I knew turned to talk to me. Turns out, it was her first time getting out of the house since having her baby boy about a month prior. Of course she showed me picture on her phone which I dutifully “Awwed” and said “how cute” as she went through a few. When questioned, I simply lied. Said we had started trying, but nothing yet. She said her and her boyfriend tried a couple months then took a break and got pregnant during that time. I was glad she was called next because she was going on and on about maternity leave and giving birth and all the things new mommies like to talk about. I was trying so hard to politely keep the conversation impersonal, so I could keep my emotions in check.



After my nails, I picked up my girlfriend Candace and we went to our friend Kristyn’s “Baby Sprinkle” for her 2nd baby) at Carini’s Italian Restaurant. It was a very short and sweet baby shower, and it was nice to see her and give her a hug. But I so needed a drink after all that. That margarita at the bar following the shower was right on time.





I didn’t really think too much about it until my mom said something to me on Monday. She said she couldn’t believe how strong I was being, spending my time at a baby shower and hanging out with my friend Candace regularly that just had her 2nd baby. I don’t really think I am that strong, because it still gets to me. I still feel the sting and the pain. It hasn’t gone anywhere. The sadness still has a grip on me. But I want to continue to live. I don’t want my sadness and grief stop me from moving forward with life. Infertility has had me in a chokehold I feel like, and now that I know that I CAN (and will again) get pregnant, I want to go back to living my life, not living infertility. I had let it consume me there for a while and it’s good to kind of have a new found sense of freedom. I am getting better every day. I recently started reading a 60-Day Devotional called “In Due Time” by Caroline Harries. It has helped me tremendously over the past few days to realign my thinking and what I am putting my hope in. And having faith that I know one day, God’s promises to me will come true. He would not place these desires in my heart if they weren’t going to be reality. I’ve been trying to pray more and focus more on the fact that anything is possible for God and his timing is and will be perfect. My heart has been feeling a bit lighter since starting the devotional. And I am actually doing it the right way. I am journaling and making notes and reading scripture and digging more into what I am reading. Also, I am sticking to one Devotion a day, instead of reading a whole bunch at once like I have with past devotionals. I highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling with a period of “waiting” for something hoped for, although it is geared towards women fighting infertility.



This weekend I am going to try to get my butt back into gear, starting with house chores. I have fallen behind on just about everything and feel a weekend of being productive at home will do me some good. Jonathan has been working late every night this week so I know he’s going to want to get out of the house this weekend for some fun, making it the perfect time for me to blast my Led Zeppelin Pandora station in the livingroom and get some stuff done!

Early Miscarriage / Chemical Pregnancy

Well, I am so sad to say, but I am no longer Pregnant. I have experienced a chemical pregnancy and it is absolutely devastating. 4 days of pure joy knowing that we were going to be parents, just taken away from us. I had been testing every morning to see the line get darker, and one day it didn't. I didn't think too much into it, but the following morning the test line was almost gone.
Upset, I woke Jonathan up and told him what was going on. I was so distraught and out of tests, Jonathan drove me to CVS to buy more. I got home and took the digital first, "Not Pregnant." I tell you, the pain I felt seeing those words felt like a knife to my heart. I cried out loud in Jonathan's lap. My sobs were simply uncontainable. I called my coworker and briefly explained to her that I was pregnant and now I am not anymore and I could not come to work. She was so extremely understanding and tried to comfort me with a few comments before letting me go. I called my OB who was able to work me in at 2:30 that day. And lastly, I called my mom who we had just told two days before that she was going to be a grandma. It broke me even more to tell her that wasn't the case anymore and I apologized as I felt as she was also robbed of something. I laid in bed crying until it was time to go to my appointment. I yelled out "Why?!" over and over again until my head hurt. I felt like I was going to vomit from being so worked up.
My OB did some bloodwork and a pelvic exam. There was still signs of implantation bleeding but she said with getting 4 days of positive tests, followed by a negative that I was more than likely having a Chemical Pregnancy. She tried to keep me positive that the Clomid worked and I ovulated and got pregnant, so it will happen again. But my sadness over losing this baby overshadowed any positivity she was sending my way. She told me to expect to start miscarrying in the next few days.
Jonathan met me afterwards for an early dinner. We went home and I just cried, and then would relax, and then cried some more. My heart just aches and its a feeling that I am only temporarily distracted from at times. I did return to work the following day and made it through. Friday morning I woke up with the worst cramps I believe I have ever had. I did make it into work, but started feeling sick from the pain. I went to the bathroom and got sick. At that point it was just so real to me that I was starting to miscarry. I couldn't help but to start crying more. My coworker told me to go home. I tried to sit a bit longer and the pain was not easing up, so I reluctantly went home. Jonathan met me there, set me up on the couch with my pillow and covered me up and held me while I just let it out. I know time will heal this hurt I am feeling, but until then I just feel broken. Angry and sad and disappointed and scared that it will happen again (when we decide we are ready to try again). Right now is day 4 of heavy bleeding. And I am hoping it eases soon. I really just want to throw myself into the gym and focus on healing my body and my mind. I would like to lose some of the weight that the 2 rounds of Clomid has caused me to gain. I need sometime to just take care of me before we think about trying again. Not sure how long that will be, but we will just take it one day at a time. I just wanted to put an update on here today. I did just get the call from my OB's nurse with the blood results, my BETA hcg was an 8, which is indicative of a pregnancy that it not viable. I have to go back on Valentine's day to confirm it is back in the "not pregnant" range of 0-5.
I am trying to remain hopeful that next time, everything will work out as its supposed to. But as of today, I am just not ready to completely let go of my sadness. I loved the baby that we had made and wanted him or her more than anything. My heart will always ache for the child I'll never get to know here on this earth.

Pregnant!

(Disclaimer: Sadly, this pregnancy was not a successful one. I started to miscarry only a few short days after finding out I was pregnant.)


I am completely amazed and excited to say that my 2^nd round of Clomid worked! I actually ovulated and SURPRISE!!! I’M PREGNANT! I cannot believe it. Jonathan and I are over the moon with joy that God has given us this precious gift. It feels like we had been trying for so long, and now that it’s actually happened it seems so surreal.

On CD18 I had a pretty large jump in my BBT temp along with my first PEAK reading on the Clearblue advanced fertility monitor.

I thought it was strange that the temp rise indicated I had ovulated the day before. The next day, fortunately was a snow day and I didn’t have to go to work because I was SUPER tender in my right ovary area. I mean, REALLY tender! It hurt to cough even. Around 4:30 that day, I was hurting so bad that I was shaky and felt like I was about to throw up! So I laid in my bathroom floor curled up for about 20 minutes, after which the pain started to subside. Never went away completely though. I thought to myself, “Well I’ve already ovulated, so I don’t know what the heck that was.” I got my crosshairs on Fertility friend the next day for CD 17 so I was really confused. Temps continued to rise and on Saturday, FF moved my crosshairs to CD19, same day I had all the pain! I was amazed but so confident that it was accurate, I had in fact ovulated and we were officially in the TWW.

7dpo I started having the slightest twinges in the center, which of course had me semi excited thinking that I could be implanting. Those little pains continued randomly so I started by testing at 9 dpo, which was negative. 10dpo I had what was the FAINTEST hint of a line you could possibly have, so I wasn’t convinced.

 Took another test that afternoon with just slightly a little more visible but still not really there.

 

I was truly believing that I was pregnant while Jonathan still wasn’t sure. He didn’t think he saw anything and just was sort of in denial while I was jumping around the house like a crazy woman, going to the bathroom every 20 minutes to look at the test again.

11dpo’s test was what I consider to be my BFP!

 It was still super faint, but more visible than the day before. I pulled out a onesie that I have had hidden since we first started TTC and put in by the bathroom sink with the test.

Jonathan woke up around 6:30AM and asked why I was in the living room. I told him he should go in the bathroom and look for himself. Still not completely convinced, I had to go in and point the line out to him. He was immediately on his phone looking up faint lines on google! I thought it was funny that he wasn’t sure whether or not to believe it. After some looking, he agreed that I am in fact pregnant. We spent a little time lying in bed just talking and cuddling and just being happy together in the moment.

This morning, 12dpo, I got a positive on a Clearblue digital.

PREGNANT! That little word has made it feel so much more real. Along with the cramping that I am having, and the way I feel like I’m running a fever is a special little reminder that I have a secret of this little miracle happening inside of me.

Wednesday would be the day my period would arrive so I am still feeling anxious while waiting to see if she stays away, as she should. I am praying that I stay pregnant and have a healthy 9 months ahead of me. I don’t want to dwell on the bad things that could happen because that would take away from the joy I am feeling now. God does answer prayers and he has blessed our lives tremendously with this gift. I am amazed. <3