kmliving: Celebrating Mother's Day

Mother's Day. Its a day that can mean so many different things to different people. It can be a day to celebrate your Mother. For some it may be a sad day because their mother is no longer with them here on earth. It could also be a day of anger if your mother has chosen to not be a part of your life. It could even be an exciting day for some who are celebrating their first year as a mother. But for a woman who is TTC, it can be a whole bunch of feelings all mixed together. For me, it was a day to be thankful for my mother, stepmother, mother-in-law, stepmother-in-law, and all the other mother figures that I have in my life. It was also a day of sadness, anger, grief, anxiousness, and overall awareness of my lack of a child to call me their mother.

Leading up to Mother's Day I was quite cranky and not the most pleasant person to be around. My husband was constantly asking me "What's wrong with you?" and my response of course, "NOTHING!" Yes, I will say I was very unpleasant to be around for the most part. Part of this is because I had gotten negative tests morning after morning. Yesterday was Mother's Day, which I got another negative first thing in the morning. I have accepted it now, this was not my month. I did not conceive. I am not pregnant. ACCEPT IT KATELYN! If Jonathan knew that I was testing every morning he would think I was a crazy person, and maybe I am. But for a woman that is dreaming of being pregnant and becoming a mother, Mother's day is just a whirlwind that leaves you somewhat dumbfounded on how exactly to feel. And honestly, I think its okay for me to be feeling all of the things that I am feeling right now. I have every right to be happy, sad, angry, cranky, confused, bothered, jealous, and a little low on hope.

After the start of yesterday morning with me being a complete butt head to Jonathan, all because he got in the shower with me and I wanted to shave my legs to wear a dress to church... and I couldn't very well stretch out and shave with him in the shower! So I got out, threw a fit and made an ass of myself. I think a lot of this has to do with my OCD tendencies (Dr's words, not mine). When my plans get changed or thrown off, it just throws me for a loop and seriously messes with my head and its just very difficult for me to move on with new plans. Find a new outfit Katelyn, you don't have to wear a dress. But its just not that simple for me to move on sometimes.

Fast forward to church. (I ended up wearing a really cute pair of white capris, and only had to shave from the knee down haha!) Church service was very nice. It was all about Overcoming and Hope and I was really enjoying it. Then a woman, probably mid thirties, got up on stage with her husband and little boy who was probably a little over a year old. She told her story how at age 20 she was told she had endometriosis and would have to have a hysterectomy by age 25. She explained the turmoil she went through thinking that she may never be able to have a child of her own. She talked about the sting she felt every time there was another pregnancy announcement on facebook, or even worse... someone announcing the were pregnant again. She laid her heart out there and pretty much took my exact thoughts and feelings and voiced them to the whole church. I was sobbing. I mean big old alligator tears that would not stop falling. Even after she was done and we were singing and closing prayer I could not stop crying. I am sure Jonathan's mother was thinking "what in the world?!" But she was kind enough to not mention it after service was over. Jonathan said he knew as soon as she started talking that I was going to get emotional. But I was able to tell him that at least now you know exactly what has been weighing on me and what I feel day after day. And now he can start to be more sensitive to what I am feeling and thinking. There is always a constant reminder of what I am lacking, with all the pregnancy announcements going around and babies all over the place. #thepregnantwomenarestalkingme (this gave me a chuckle when she said this during her testimony) But dang! I feel like I cannot get away from it! Anyways, her story ended happy. No hysterectomy and she did conceive. Now has a happy and healthy little boy to thank God for everyday.

Its not like I have been told I won't have a child...but sometimes that's what it feels like. Yes, we are only going into our 6 month trying... but it still feels like it may not ever happen. It still stings. It still hurts. One line is still one of the most discouraging things to have to see. But I am going to keep having hope and I going to overcome this, I am going to be a mother one day. I am going to hold on to hope that God is already working the plan that he has for me and when and what he has in store for my life, regardless of what that may be, I know that it is good because God is good and he wants good things for me. In my heart, I know that he will allow me to conceive when the time is right. Until that day, I will continue to celebrate all of the mother's around me, friends, family, and my sweet sweet mother.