Celebrating Mother's Day

Mother's Day. Its a day that can mean so many different things to different people. It can be a day to celebrate your Mother. For some it may be a sad day because their mother is no longer with them here on earth. It could also be a day of anger if your mother has chosen to not be a part of your life. It could even be an exciting day for some who are celebrating their first year as a mother. But for a woman who is TTC, it can be a whole bunch of feelings all mixed together. For me, it was a day to be thankful for my mother, stepmother, mother-in-law, stepmother-in-law, and all the other mother figures that I have in my life. It was also a day of sadness, anger, grief, anxiousness, and overall awareness of my lack of a child to call me their mother.

 

Leading up to Mother's Day I was quite cranky and not the most pleasant person to be around. My husband was constantly asking me "What's wrong with you?" and my response of course, "NOTHING!" Yes, I will say I was very unpleasant to be around for the most part. Part of this is because I had gotten negative tests morning after morning. Yesterday was Mother's Day, which I got another negative first thing in the morning. I have accepted it now, this was not my month. I did not conceive. I am not pregnant. ACCEPT IT KATELYN! If Jonathan knew that I was testing every morning he would think I was a crazy person, and maybe I am. But for a woman that is dreaming of being pregnant and becoming a mother, Mother's day is just a whirlwind that leaves you somewhat dumbfounded on how exactly to feel. And honestly, I think its okay for me to be feeling all of the things that I am feeling right now. I have every right to be happy, sad, angry, cranky, confused, bothered, jealous, and a little low on hope.

 

After the start of yesterday morning with me being a complete butt head to Jonathan, all because he got in the shower with me and I wanted to shave my legs to wear a dress to church... and I couldn't very well stretch out and shave with him in the shower! So I got out, threw a fit and made an ass of myself. I think a lot of this has to do with my OCD tendencies (Dr's words, not mine). When my plans get changed or thrown off, it just throws me for a loop and seriously messes with my head and its just very difficult for me to move on with new plans. Find a new outfit Katelyn, you don't have to wear a dress. But its just not that simple for me to move on sometimes.

 

Fast forward to church. (I ended up wearing a really cute pair of white capris, and only had to shave from the knee down haha!) Church service was very nice. It was all about Overcoming and Hope and I was really enjoying it. Then a woman, probably mid thirties, got up on stage with her husband and little boy who was probably a little over a year old. She told her story how at age 20 she was told she had endometriosis and would have to have a hysterectomy by age 25. She explained the turmoil she went through thinking that she may never be able to have a child of her own. She talked about the sting she felt every time there was another pregnancy announcement on facebook, or even worse... someone announcing the were pregnant again. She laid her heart out there and pretty much took my exact thoughts and feelings and voiced them to the whole church. I was sobbing. I mean big old alligator tears that would not stop falling. Even after she was done and we were singing and closing prayer I could not stop crying. I am sure Jonathan's mother was thinking "what in the world?!" But she was kind enough to not mention it after service was over. Jonathan said he knew as soon as she started talking that I was going to get emotional. But I was able to tell him that at least now you know exactly what has been weighing on me and what I feel day after day. And now he can start to be more sensitive to what I am feeling and thinking. There is always a constant reminder of what I am lacking, with all the pregnancy announcements going around and babies all over the place. #thepregnantwomenarestalkingme (this gave me a chuckle when she said this during her testimony) But dang! I feel like I cannot get away from it! Anyways, her story ended happy. No hysterectomy and she did conceive. Now has a happy and healthy little boy to thank God for everyday.

 

Its not like I have been told I won't have a child...but sometimes that's what it feels like. Yes, we are only going into our 6 month trying... but it still feels like it may not ever happen. It still stings. It still hurts. One line is still one of the most discouraging things to have to see. But I am going to keep having hope and I going to overcome this, I am going to be a mother one day. I am going to hold on to hope that God is already working the plan that he has for me and when and what he has in store for my life, regardless of what that may be, I know that it is good because God is good and he wants good things for me. In my heart, I know that he will allow me to conceive when the time is right. Until that day, I will continue to celebrate all of the mother's around me, friends, family, and my sweet sweet mother.

Here's a couple pictures from Mother's Day dinner at the Crustacean Boil and Grill, it was AMAZING!

I cannot wait to get my stitches out tomorrow morning, they're itching like crazy!

My momma and my Granny 

My mom's long time boyfriend Ed.

<3

YUM!

v

Margarita's, a Birthday and a mean old cyst!

Last week ended on Cinco de Mayo! My best friend Candace and I decided last minute to go out and get a Margarita to celebrate. Of course any Mexican restaurant would be packed due to the holiday, but we found a spot at the bar and squeezed on in. We had some much needed girl time/adult time for her away from her little one. Sometimes its just so nice to get together with her and just talk about anything and everything. She's always the best listener when it comes to things I'm thinking or feeling, and she never judges me for any of it. I am so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Saturday, I pretty much relaxed around the house all day. I did make it out to Target to get a Birthday present together for my mother-in-law (Debbie). I always spend way more than I plan on whenever I go in there. I found one dress and two tops that were on clearance that I bought for myself, I found another cute top on clearance for Debbie and a cute necklace that matched it well. Got her a photo album, candle and a Starbucks giftcard. Picked up two little squeeze bottles of Stevia, since I have gotten on a kick lately where I am adding Stevia to my water.

Update on our in home office. We have torn up the wood floors that were buckling, torn down the HORRIBLE wood paneling that I cannot stand, replaced the floor and gotten the walls all fixed up and painted. Carpet is next and that will be one bedroom done. We will move on to the spare bedroom next. I am so so so excited to get my office furniture back in there and get back to work in my actual office instead of my poor living room that has been crowded with office furniture and paperwork for about a month now.

Sunday we went to dinner with Jonathan’s mom, Aunt Terry and her significant other, for Debbie’s birthday. Texas Roadhouse is always so yummy. Once we finished up there, we headed on home and took it easy the rest of the evening. 

Monday rolled around way quicker than I ever want it to. My office manager is out of the office this week preparing for surgery and will probably not return to work until closer to the end of the month. Having the office to myself can be nice and quiet, but yesterday it was crazy busy. It was all I could do to keep up and return as many missed calls as possible. Plus I had to leave early and close the office because I had plastic surgery yesterday to have a cyst removed from my face for the 2^nd and hopefully that last time. Took him about 45 minutes of digging and cutting stuff out but we are sending off the 4 little chunks to confirm they are benign like the last one was. Needless to say I was pretty sore last night once the lidocaine wore off, and even more tender today. Just saying prayers that its gone for good, because Dr. said if it comes back a third time, he is going to want to put me under general anesthesia and really cut deep to try to get to the root of the problem. Wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that its on my face!!! No fun.

Waiting for lidocaine to work its magic and make me all numb.

After

Swollen up from all the digging and tugging.

Took a pregnancy test this morning like I had planned on doing since I am 10dpo today. Negative.

Blah. But that’s okay, still hopeful that it could be positive this month. I say I will test again in a couple days, but knowing me, it will probably be tomorrow morning if not again this evening. I kind of get obsessed at this point during my cycle. Period is due to start 05/14 (Mother’s Day), if she comes like a normal person’s. If not, and I go all the way to the 21^st without a period starting, I am supposed to take another round of Provera to induce AF. I really don’t want to take it again because it broke me out like crazy and I had debilitating cramps last time. So fingers crossed that I am pregnant, but if not, that my period comes on its own before the 21^st!

The TWW Sucks

So I am not one of those people who track ovulation by taking tests or temping, simply because I am already an anxious person as it is and the added stress of peeing on a stick multiple times a day or trying to read a chart of temperatures does not appeal to me at this time. This may change if time continues to pass without success.

Because of this, I simply base my “O” date by symptoms. Skipping all of the little details that would be way more information that you want, I will say that today is 5 dpo. Which I could be off by a couple days, or I could be completely wrong and may not have ovulated at all. With all that in mind, I am still so hopeful that we will conceive this cycle.

This TWW though is for the birds… it is no fun at all and is going soooooo slow. Every day I am thinking about where in the conception process we would be if I did ovulate. Every single little thing I feel, I consider to be a symptom. Then I feel silly for thinking it’s a symptom when I already know that implantation does not even take place until about 7dpo, and you cannot have “real” symptoms until implantation occurs. I have already decided that I will take my first test on 5/9 (10dpo). Now when I say that I have never seen a positive pregnancy test, I mean NEVER. I have never even seen anything that could even be mistaken as a positive. Its always stark white, one line, utter disappointment. So when the day comes that I finally see that second line, there should be no confusion on whether or not it is positive.

Then there is the praying. I pray every day, multiple times a day. I repeatedly ask God to allow me to conceive and become a mother. I know that God has control over these things, not me. Which, being a control freak, its really hard for me to accept the fact that no matter how many vitamins I take, how many times we make love or what days we do, it will not change the fact that it is only God who will make it happen and in the right time.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This verse is extremely encouraging to me and I try to remind myself of it daily. I need to never forget who is in control and with Him, all things are possible.

I guess the reason I felt like writing all this, is because I just watched Ellie and Jared’s “first pregnancy test” video where they are TTC #3. She is 10dpo and got a negative test result. I admire her so much for being public and open with her journey but I know what she is feeling when looking at that negative test. It’s really hard to explain the feeling unless you have been there. I believe it’s different for couples who are trying for their first child versus second, third, etc. And even more of a difference in the feelings of someone who is trying and failing versus one who was not trying and fell pregnant. For someone who has conceived before and has a child, I understand that there is disappointment from a negative test, but it doesn’t really compare to what a woman feels who has never had a child or been pregnant and they want more than anything to become a mother. It’s a little more daunting on the childless than it is for someone who already has a child and knows that they are capable of becoming pregnant.  

Well enough pregnancy talk for now… I’m sure I will have plenty more to say at a later time.

An update on the home buying process; we did not get approved for a mortgage due to the way company taxes were filed Jonathan’s first year in business. Unfortunately, it is something that we had no control over, or it would have been done correctly. That being said, our landlord called us this morning and has offered to owner finance for us at a slightly higher interest rate. We are T H R I L L E D that he has been generous enough to make this offer to us. I’m sure there are many details to work out before we can say for sure it will happen, but we are hoping to be homeowners by June 1^st!!

Other than this, we are just doing the day to day living.

We still attend Bible study once a week. I have grown to really enjoy knowing that at least once a week we get to have fellowship and discuss/learn about the truth that is available to all of us in God’s word. Right now we have been talking about Baptism. What it is, what happens when you’re baptized, and the importance of doing so. Next study we are going to be discussing how to continue living faithfully after baptism. I am really excited for that topic because now that I know how important it is to be baptized, I really want to do so. But I am really concerned about life after baptism, and what exactly that looks like. I think after our next discussion, I may take a little time studying to myself and praying about it, but I think that God has been giving me the desire to get baptized. I want to be an obedient child of Christ, I want to receive the Holy Spirit, and I want to be cleansed of my sins. But I think I have a little more maturing to do in my faith before doing so. I need a little more understanding of what is occurring when I am buried with Christ and resurrected with Him. I think my knowledge of the crucifixion will help me with this, and I know exactly how to get this done. One thing on my to do list before getting baptized is to finish reading the Bible. I finished the Old Testament a few weeks ago, and ready now to start the New Testament.

Other than that, nothing too exciting going on. Weekends are spent at the drag strip or on the boat, weather permitting. I LOVE my days out on the boat, but I have started to kind of love being at the drag strip as well. I am no racer, but I’ve finally made some friends and gotten comfortable enough to where I feel like I belong there and I am not in the way. Plus, it helps that my hunnie bought me a super cool golf cart to scoot around on while we are there (I am so spoiled).

Posted twice in one week! Go me!

Life update, it’s been too long

Well I have to admit, I have been terrible when it comes to writing on here. As always, hoping to improve, but no promises.A little update since my last post in September (wow, WAY too long)!

Life lately has been super busy and a full of events. I feel like we are always going going going and hardly have a chance to relax. Business for Jonathan has started to pick up now that weather has warmed up, so that means more office work for me. Its very exciting thinking that one day, I may be able to work from home full time for my husband. But for now, still keeping my full time job.

We both purchased new vehicles, finally got the SUV I have wanted forever. And Jonathan finally got the turbo diesel he has been dreaming of. Now we are in the process of trying, for the second time, to get approved for a mortgage so we can buy the home we have been renting for the past 5 years. We were declined last time we tried because Jonathan had recently “changed jobs/started his own business.”

So that is a bit of why I definitely have to keep my full time job right. We both have big old monthly car payments. Fortunately we did mine on a 4 year loan, which my goal is to pay off in 3. We shall see how it goes, life has a way of throwing financial curveballs when you least expect it.

On to a little bit more of serious update on what has been going on with me. And I will just be blunt. After our wedding, I guess I may have come down with the “after wedding blues.” When all the excitement was over and it was back to reality. Anyways, my emotions were all over the place and I was having a hard time with leveling out. I was losing my cool way too often, and really needed to see about talking to someone. Made an appointment with a new Primary Dr, who was actually my Dr back when I was about 10-11. She suggested I start taking Celexa. Which I can tell you has worked wonders for me. Once I got past the first few weeks taking it (lots of crazy side effects), I have been a much happier, level headed and laid back. Unfortunately, the weight gain started almost immediately as one of the side effects. I joined the YMCA in February and have been working really hard to drop the extra weight and get into better physical shape. I have needed to do this for years, and I am proud to say I have ALMOST lost 10lbs since joining.

Next serious topic, I finally quit taking birth control in November in hopes of getting pregnant and starting our family. I had been on birth control pills since the age of 14 … so about 12 years. At about the beginning of my menses, my OBGYN diagnosed me with PCOS. So of course I have known since the beginning that I could have trouble conceiving. The whole time I was on the pill, my cycle would be regular for the most part. Every now in then it would skip a month but Dr. always said it was nothing to worry about. And it was always really light. But birth control can mess with so much, I don’t feel like I could accurately know what my normal cycle was like because I have ALWAYS been on the pill.

I had the regular withdraw bleed after quitting, 28 days later had my first period since quitting (so we didn’t conceive 1^st cycle). I wasn’t too disappointed because it was great that my period came back like it should. After that cycle, I went another 109 days (probably 40 negative pregnancy tests) before starting another period. And that’s only because I went to my new OBGYN who prescribed my Provera to induce my period. So now that I have finally had my period, we are now in 5th month TTC, but really only my 3^rd cycle. I am excited and hopeful that it will happen soon. Baby fever is through the roof and I want nothing more than to become a mother and raise a child of my own. I am glad that my OB knows that we have been trying since November and said if it doesn’t happen within a year (most couples take a year to conceive), then we will look into intervention. I have been praying daily that God will allow me to conceive on my own. At first I was all into trying to time out everything and stressing myself obsessing over things that I have no control over. I am really trying this cycle to just go with the flow, step back and put it all in God’s hands. I hope that it is his will for me to become pregnant soon.  

So now that I have updated on some of life lately, I will try to be better about posting. We will see how that goes, but wish me luck!