Emotional Wreck

I know these kind of posts are bound to be annoying, but this is where I come to lay it all out there.

So first, update on taking Clomid. Today is CD 15 and I haven’t ovulated yet. Which is really discouraging. I’m still hopeful that I will ovulate but hasn’t happened as of today.
The five days of taking it, I had several side effects. Vivid dreams, hot flashes, moody, bloated/swollen in my ovary areas, cramps, and most of all, I was ravenous!! Eating everything!
With all the side effects, I truly felt like the medicine was doing something. But the fact that I haven’t ovulated yet and side effects are all gone now, has me nervous that it didn’t work at all. Praying with every inch of me that it just hasn’t happened yet and will any day now.

Next on my list... our sweet old man Oscar. He’s been struggling for quite sometime with a few really bad days recently. After a fall this morning and not eating, Jonathan decided it was time to call the vet. He has an appointment tomorrow evening at 6:00 to end all his pain. Jonathan and I are broken hearted and will be grieving him for sometime. But for tonight, I promised to love on him and rub his belly and give him all the treats and make sure he knows how loved he is. We will be staying with him for the euthanasia procedure tomorrow so he hopefully won’t be too scared. It’s going to be so hard, but I always said that putting a loved pet down is the greatest last gift you can give them.
Jonathan and I will be missing a piece of our hearts without him in our home, but we know it’s time, he’s ready.


Next update, my Grandma (dad’s Mom) went into the hospital on Friday 11/17. Heart Failure, COPD. She’s been two packs a day smoker almost her whole life, and at 80 years old... they said she was a walking miracle that she hasn’t been on oxygen before now. Last Wednesday before Thanksgiving, it was looking like we were going to lose her. But what a turn around she made over the next few days! She’s been moved out of the ICU and is improving! Praise God! The power of prayer is truly amazing and I fully believe that it changes things. All of her 4 living children, her 10 grandkids, and 4 great grandkids plus loads of extended family and friends and been praying constantly for her and God has shown us how great he is.

Thanksgiving went by in a blur. Lots of cooking.

We went to a funeral on Saturday for Jonathan’s Aunt’s longtime boyfriend who passed away suddenly.

Two different pregnancy announcements I’ve had to endure. My cousins wife is pregnant with their second child. Which I took that news well. Then my close friend Katie... she’s been also TTC for a few months now, her and I have kept each other up to date. Well she just told me today that she is pregnant. She found out two weeks ago but was scared to tell me for fear of making me sad. Well, I am so incredibly happy for her and her husband. They are wonderful people and so deserve their rainbow baby! But it also makes my heart ache even more, wishing and praying that I will be able to have the same exciting news to share soon.

So ending the post here so I don’t go on and on about how sad I am right now. Going to try to keep my mind calm and keep my eyes on God throughout this difficult time.

Weekend Recap 11/10-11/12

This past weekend was an eventful one. Jonathan left Friday morning for a 3-day racing weekend in Kinston, NC. It’s a small track surrounded by cotton fields. I had originally planned on going with him but he left a day earlier than expected and I had to work. But what a weekend he had!!! Friday night he won the race out of 21 cars! Saturday night he was the Runner up, but still that is awesome to make it to the finals two nights in a row. Then on Sunday, he WON the race AGAIN!!! He was on cloud nine after having such an awesome weekend of racing. I am so incredibly proud of my husband for his determination and joy of racing. He has such a generous heart and spends so much time doing for others; so it makes me extremely happy that he is able to take time for himself doing something that he loves.

Gosh He's such a CUTIE!!!

Saturday was customer appreciate day at our local Tattoo parlor, and as part of the event they had specials on tattoos and a few vendors set up out front to be able to sell their products. My best friend Candace set up her Perfectly Posh table and her sister-in-law set up her LuLaRoe clothing. There were a few other vendors but those were the two people that I knew. So I decided to go up there and get a small one inch tattoo for only $30 (usually the minimum is $60 regardless of how small). I sat up there practically all day because the list was so long, but I figured I got there 9:40, and had waited for hours, I might as well continue to wait and get it done. And I LOVE it!!! (This is my 2nd tattoo. First one is rather large, its the Serenity Prayer on my back.)

After getting my tattoo done, which took the artist Autumn less than 5 minutes to complete, I headed home to finish up the banana pudding I was making for Friendsgiving at my friend’s house. It was my first time making banana pudding so I was a bit nervous about the taste but it was a HIT! There were 2 ingredients that I think made it sooooo good, plus I waited to assemble it right before the party so the cookies would still be crunchy.

 

1 (5.1oz) box of vanilla instant pudding

1 ½ cups whole milk

1 (14oz) can of sweetened condensed milk < secret ingredient #1

12oz cool whip

4 large bananas

1 (11oz) box of vanilla wafers (I didn’t use the whole box)

1 graham cracker pie crust crumbled and sprinkled throughout (my idea) < secret ingredient #2

Whisk first three ingredients until smooth, Fold in Cool Whip then assemble in layers as you see fit. 

 

Friendsgiving is something that I have been going to every year for about 6 years now with the same group of friends. Kathy and Kameron always host and some of the same people go every year. This year was a bit smaller than years past, but it was still so nice to spend some time with these people. We don’t all keep in touch through the year but spending time chatting and just enjoying the company is always a good time.

 

Sunday was my friend’s daughter, Lola’s, 2^nd Birthday. I went over her house a little early to help her prepare for the guests. It was a house FULL of people! And SOOOO MANY KIDS/BABIES/PREGNANT PEOPLE! Kind of put me in a funk during the party but a good friend of mine who is also TTC was texting back and forth with me, which was a good distraction. I was able to vent a little about feeling so out of place at the party, like the only one without a child of my own. Blah blah, I always talk about that so let me stop now.

 

Lola was so stinking cute in her purple tutu! And she LOVED the necklace and bracelet set I got her, she IMMEDIATELTY put them on. Such a girly girl! Loves her jewelry. Also, I was excited to wear my new LuLaRoe shirt and leggings I had purchased on Saturday (yes I wore them to friendsgiving also). Hard to tell in the picture, but the leggings are sooooo cute with Bees on them!

 

After winning the race last night, Jonathan did make the drive home. He arrived around 10:30 and I was so glad to see him. We watched tv awhile, then went to bed. My office manager is on vacation this week, so I am manning the office alone. Hopefully that helps this work week to go by quickly!

Clomid

October 26^th I had my Infertility Evaluation by my regular OBGYN. It went good and as expected. She ordered a semen analysis for Jonathan and wrote me a prescription for 50mg Clomid CD 5-9. We will be doing clomid unmonitored except for if I do not conceive/ovulate at all, she wants to check for OHSS. Everything that I was hoping for and had come to expect is what I got at my appointment and I am so grateful to my Doctor for that. 

I am officially on Day 4 of Provera to induce my next period and am extremely excited and anxious and nervous about trying Clomid for the first time. I have really high hopes that it will be successful in helping me to ovulate. My Doctor agreed with me by looking at my BBT charts that I am not ovulating. If it doesn’t work the first time we can always try again the following month, but I know I will be semi heartbroken if it fails the first round. Don’t get me wrong I am very excited to be finally on a medicine that will HOPEFULLY make my body do what it’s supposed to, but high hopes can come with high disappointment if it doesn’t work. But I need to relax and not stress because I believe that this will work and the Lord will answer our prayers to conceive. 

Jonathan isn’t pleased about having to do a test himself, but I told him if we want help then she wants to see that he doesn’t have any problems that would prevent us from conceiving on top of my problems. The fertility facility is allowing him to collect the sample at home and bring it to them within the hour of his appointment, which is the same day that my period should start. I hope they get the results back to my Dr. quickly so I can know for sure that things are okay on his end before I start the clomid on D5. Which I will start regardless, but just eases my mind to know. 

So, just because I am the kind of person that likes to plan out everything… if you couldn’t already tell how obsessive I am with planning. I will finish my 10 days of Provera 11/12/17, period usually starts 2 days later, so 11/14 would be CD1. Then will take clomid CD5-9 (11/18-11/22), will hopefully ovulate between CD14-CD20 (11/27-12/3). THENNNN, if I did ovulate and we do conceive, then I will hopefully have a positive pregnancy test around 12/13!!! Ok, ok, I know I am crazy obsessing by planning this far out, but a girl can dream right? 

Will be saying lots of prayers that clomid does the trick and we will be able to share some good news with our family for Christmas this year. <3 

Coming up on a year...

Well after nearly a year of TTC with no luck, I finally called my OB’s office to schedule an appointment for an Infertility Evaluation. I called early due to the fact that I just wanted to get an appointment in the books as something to kind of look forward to. When I called though, they had appointments available as early as the following week.  I reluctantly asked the scheduler if that would be okay since it really hasn’t been a year yet, she asked me how close it was and I told her that I quit birth control pill in November 2016 and started trying. She said that it was close enough and should be fine.

The way I look at it, I’m on CD 25 now. I should start my 6^th round of Provera to start my period on 11/3 (CD35). Take that for 10 days, then at least 2 more days for my period to start, makes it 11/15. Which by the time that CD 35 would roll around again would be 12/19, which is PAST the one year mark and right at the holidays. So I am pleased to have an appointment scheduled earlier due to my long cycles would be pushing it back further and further. I just hope that my Dr doesn’t give me a hard time by not waiting until the end of November. The dates just don’t work out well to do that.

So since I know I have my appointment coming up in two days, I’ve been feeling stressed about it. Not about the appointment exactly, because I am so happy to finally be taking the next steps. All this time trying and failing has been extremely disappointing and has had me an emotional mess several times. But I guess I feel stressed because I am kind of berating myself for only trying for a year. I don’t know why I am doing it to myself. I guess because I read all these stories of women that try naturally for 18 months, 2 years, 5 years or more before going to see a doctor, and I just don’t have the patience to wait that long. I don’t want to rush things but at the same time, I am just so ready to become a mother and nurture and raise a child. I want to make Jonathan a father and my parents into grandparents. I know I shouldn’t feel bad for going so soon, so trying to push those thoughts out of my mind.

With temping the past 2 cycles, it is very evident that I am not ovulating. And if that doesn’t occur than no matter how much Jonathan and I try, it won’t happen. My Dr pushed aside my comment about PCOS earlier this year, well now is finally time to test and see for sure whether I have it or not. I have no doubt that PCOS is the cause of not being pregnant on top of several other (embarrassing) things that I experience. But only a Dr can give a formal diagnosis, so that is what I am expecting to hear from her after she runs some tests.

I don’t know what her plan of action will be but I have done research and kind of think it may go like this. Blood work and Ultrasound (my first ever, not sure why but I am super excited about this), to look at my ovaries. I would think she may prescribe me 50mg of Clomid to see if that makes me ovulate. Which I know can cause multiples, but that’s not a worry I have. If the Lord wants us to have more than one, then so be it. I also believe that God gave us the knowledge, technology, medicine, and doctors that can help women have children.

Next stressor is if she wants me to be monitored throughout or not. I know its best to be monitored, but would prefer to do at least one cycle not, since I do chart my BBT to check for ovulation. Being monitored would come with lots of appointments, which would require me telling my coworker what is going on. I’ve been leading her to believe that we aren’t ready and still use protection. Well I guess I’ll admit, I have been straight up lying to her about it. And I don’t feel very good about that, but I have my reasons. One, I don’t want the added pressure of people knowing and expecting. Two, she’s very negative about the idea of me getting pregnant now. Three, ttc is a very personal and private thing. Not to mention especially emotional for a couple that is struggling.  She thinks I am going in for blood work to refill my Provera Rx this Thursday. I am just waiting to see how my appointment goes and what my Dr. says before I decide whether to fess up or not. I am tempted to just keep it private still and tell her that I have something going on that need to be checked on and leave it at that. Just sucks because we are so close being just me and her in the office, I hate lying to her but just don’t need her bringing me down with any negativity. I enjoy working with someone that I get along with so well, but just certain things that she does and the way she carries herself makes me want to keep her at a distance. 

Last thing thats really on my mind is how Jonathan feels. He doesn't talk about it much, but he never really talks much about how he feels on anything. When I told him that I scheduled an appointment and why, he said "ok, i love you." Which really should be all the reassurance I need to proceed. But I wish he will tell me more so I know exactly what he is feeling and thinking about it. But I guess men just really don't talk about their feelings very much. I really hope if he has any reservations that he will discuss them with me. He propably is on board with what I want and what I am doing, but I still worry that he may not be 100% ready. Everyone says though, you are never truly ready. And I whole heartedly believe that. I am scared and worried and stressed and nervous about the thought of getting pregnant and having a child, but I want it more than anything. And I am willing to go through all of that to make this come true. I know that it is my destiny to become a mother and love my child. 

Will update more after my appointment on Thursday. 

"When God Says Wait"

Its been a little while. 

Just wanted to make a post to put something’s down on paper…uhmmm the internet. 

Jonathan and I went on a week vacation with his family the beginning of August, did everything in our power plus some to conceive because it was in what would be my “fertile week.” Well it didn’t work… again. 

I started doing some research on supplements I could try to help with my hormones/cycle and came across Pregnitude and Premama. I ordered both on Amazon Prime and had them delivered same day. Started the Pregnitude right away and plan to take the Premama as soon as I run out of Pregnitude. (They are the exact same ingredients.) So I plan on giving these 2 months to see how they work. 

Well tomorrow would have been CD 35 and when I would have started Provera again to induce my cycle, but after only 4 days of taking Pregnitude, I woke up and realized I STARTED MY PERIOD ON MY OWN!!!! I am completely ecstatic! Not sure if the Pregnitude did the trick, or could be my weight loss. (12lbs in about 6 weeks thanks to Nutrisystem). Either way, I am so excited that I started without Provera. I am hopeful that I will also ovulate this cycle. I’m not sure if I have been ovulating, but I plan on starting to temp this cycle to confirm. I figure since this is our 10^th month trying, might as well start temping now. If we make it a whole year and haven’t conceived, the Dr. will probably want me to temp anyways, so I’m getting a head start. 

I started reading a book yesterday called “When God Says Wait,” by Elizabeth Laing Thompson. Its very encouraging and providing me with some tools to get through this time of waiting. One verse that it discusses is Lamentations 3:21-26, 32-33

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord… Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone. 

God does not want me to suffer. He doesn’t want me to hurt.

Another excerpt… “Waiting seasons aren’t fun, but they are opportunities. Through our waiting seasons—yes, through the not knowing—we can build character one step at a time. Through our waiting seasons, perseverance can gradually “finish” its never-ending work in us. As waiting does its thing, and God does His, we get the chance to become our best selves, the people God designed us to be.”

I just wanted to share these couple of things because they are meaningful to me and maybe someday, someone may read my blog and find peace in the same things that are bringing me peace today. After my period is over, Jonathan and I will get back to work doing everything in our power to conceive. If it is God’s will for me to conceive now, then it will happen. If not, then I will just have to continue to wait.

Chiropractic Care

In a previous post, I explained all about my scoliosis and loss of cervical lordosis. Well I have been going to the chiropractor for almost 6 weeks now. I have had 11 visits over the course of this time, will go again twice this week, then next week starts my once a week visits. 

Obviously I don’t know if we’ve made any progress in my neck because we are waiting until the end to take new x-rays. But I can tell you in detail about what happens during my adjustments. First, I lay on my stomach and Dr. Dee pushes around on my back to find tension spots. This always is kind of painful but feels good at the same time. I think the pain mostly has to do with my curve, but regardless it feels pretty good and bad, if that makes any sense. He then applies quick, firm pressure starting in the middle of my back working his way to upper back. I’d say its 2-3 times he cracks me in this position. Every now and then there is like one small spot that doesn’t crack with the rest and he applies pressure again. I wouldn’t call this part painful, except for the 2 seconds following the crack. Then relief. 

Next, he has me lay on my right side, left knee bends over right straight leg. He takes my right arm and pulls it to grab my left shoulder. Then he applies pressure, once, twice with his whole body to kind of twist me. Then flip and do same on the other side. I don’t think I ever really feel much of a crack when he does this.

Then, he gets me to lay on my back. This is probably my favorite part because of the pain relief. He comes around to where my head is to sit and uses his fingers in kind of a hook shape to pull up towards the base of my skull on my neck muscles. I’ve tried, but this is really hard to do to myself because my hands cannot come at the same angle he does, but its feels awesome. He usually spends a bit longer on my neck (because this is what we are working to correct), finding knots and applying pressure to get them to release. Every now and then he finds a good one and it’s painful when he’s moving over it and pushing into it, but I know there relief will be so worth it so I suck it up. I’ve only had to say “Ow” twice to get him to lighten up. Once the knot releases, it’s like my whole body just relaxes and turns into jello. Once loose, its time for him to crack my neck. He grabs my head, supporting all the weight. You kind of have to focus on letting him control your movement and not tensing up. Once he feels that he has complete control, he snaps it to the right! I usually feel what I would call and immediate back of head headache when he does this. But he uses his fingers again to apply pressure to the spots on my neck close to my skull and this relieves the headache. Then he repeats the exact same thing to the left. 

Now, he gets me to lay on my stomach again. Sometimes he uses the table to lift up  at my hips and he pushes quick firm pressure on each hip/right above butt. I believe this is supposed to help align my hips, but I think with scoliosis that’s kind of hard to achieve. Plus, I don’t really feel much when he does that either. He also detaches the bottom half of the table, so from my hips down, he has complete control to move them side to side and all around; this always feels good. His last step in my adjustment, he applies pressure in several spots on both sides of my spine from the mid back on down while moving the lower body control portion of the table up and down. I think this is to help loosen up and stretch out my spine and muscles surrounding. This is another one of those painful but feels good at the same time motions. 

Last portion of my appointments is spent on the Wobble chair with head weights strapped to my forehead. The wobble chair is pretty cool, as it allow me to tilt in any direction 360 degrees. I believe it is supposed to help strengthen my back muscles, but I really enjoy the stretching I feel while tilting. My lower back does a lot of “clicking/popping” during this but he said that’s normal. As far as the weights go, I think he is working me up to 15 minutes over time. Not sure what I am at now because we always chit chat during this portion. The weights make me hold my neck back and use my muscles to support my head. The right side of my neck is usually hurting by the time the buzzer goes off, so I feel that it’s working to strengthen everything. The buzzer concludes my appointment. 

The past 2 appointments, Dr. Dee has said that things have improved so much since my first adjustment, and I am cracking the way I am supposed to now. I don’t notice too much of a difference other than I feel like more is cracking at once, and (as weird as this sounds) it’s more of a juicier crack instead of dry like it was in the beginning. I don’t know if that’s the best way to describe it, but it’s what I could come up with. 

There has been two appointments, when my Doc was on vacation and I saw the other, Dr. Geski. His methods are a little bit different. I was super nervous seeing him the first time because I was scared that he didn’t know my history, he hadn’t seen my x-rays, and does he even know that I have scoliosis?! But all was well. He cracked my back while I laid on it, which was strange to me. He handed me this triangle shaped pillow to wrap my arms around. Then he lifts you up, places hand under back (which was scary and painful), but then he applied quick pressure and CRACKKKKK! Felt really good once it was over. Then he does the same thing a bit lower down. My neck being the part we are trying to correct, he did use an Electric Correction Gun/Adjustment tool on my neck; that was an interesting feeling but I enjoyed it. I wish Dr. Dee would use that on me, but I guess every doctor has their own way of doing things. 

Once Dr. Geski moved me to the next table and had me lay on my stomach, I think he realized then that I have scoliosis. He found this one spot to the left of my spine, right at the curve that was all knotted up. (This spot is always super sensitive.) He said “Wow! Are you always this tight right here?” I could barely manage a “yea” through the intense pain I was feeling at the pressure he was applying in a circular motion right on the knot. I continued to breathe through the pain because I knew it would feel even better once he was done, which it did. After that he followed the rest of what Dr. Dee usually does. 

So this is what my chiropractic care has been like up to now. I guess I may be feeling a little different, like I don’t complain about being in pain as much. I haven’t had any of the numbness that I usually get. And now that I think of it, I haven’t really had the pinching burning feeling either that I sometimes get after a long day. I am still tense in my neck and shoulder area, but I work at a desk all day, then come home and work at a desk again for my part time job. I have tried to adjust the position of my computer screens to maybe alleviate it some. But I think as long as I am working at a computer, I will always experience that. So, I have nothing but good things to say about the care I have received so far from First Choice Chiropractic. I look forward to seeing updated x-rays at the end of my treatment plan. And I really look forward to my appointment tomorrow morning. All this writing about being cracked is making me want it to be time for my appointment because I always leave feeling like a million bucks!

Just need to get this off my chest...

Friday night, I went to Target and spent about an hour and a half trying to pick out gifts for a 5 year old little boy and two 2 year old little girls.

Saturday, we went to celebrate Leah’s 2^nd Birthday. Leah is Jonathan’s cousin’s daughter or Jonathan’s 2^nd cousin. We were also really excited to meet Leah’s little sister Madison who was born 4 months ago, but they live in NC which is why we are just now meeting her. Of course Shannon (mom) let me hold her and get some of that baby luvin! She was absolutely adorable and completely content.

At Leah’s party, Jonathan’s grandparents were there and asked are we expecting yet… and I said really quickly “We’re not.” Jonathan then says, “But she wishes we were.” I quickly just whispered please don’t talk about it, and turned my head away from them fighting back tears. Once regaining my composure I was able to continue enjoying the party. 

Shortly after that, Jonathan’s cousin’s fiancé Lynsey showed up. I like her a lot so we stuck together and chit chatted. During our conversation I found out that she also has PCOS. What an awesome feeling when you find someone that not only understands everything your body is going through, but is also going through the same or similar. We didn’t get to talk a whole lot, because it’s not really something you talk about out in public. But I did let her know how long we’ve been trying, and we discovered we are both taking Provera every month to try to regulate our cycles. It felt so nice to have her know what I am going through physically. Plus she said she was going to keep me in her prayers, which just makes me feel so happy to know that not only are my prayers going up, but also friends and family are praying for me as well. 

On top of that, my longtime friend Jessica’s daughter, Remington, also turned two and celebrated her Birthday at the same time. Unfortunately I cannot be in two places at once and we had already committed to Leah’s party. I was sad I missed seeing Remi, but hope to see her and give her her birthday gift soon.

Lastly, my friend Amanda’s son Hayden turned 5 on the 3^rd and of course I’m always late to getting his gift to him, but it’s the thought that counts. I’ll plan on having them over for dinner one night so I can give him his gift and spend some time hanging out. 

Celebrating all of my friends and families children’s birthdays is extremely bittersweet. I see their little families, and the happiness all of them experience at seeing their child happy, and I just can’t help but hurt a little for the child I dream of loving.

Happier news, my best friend is pregnant again! I am so very happy and excited for her. Her daughter Lola is kind of the first baby that I get to see and hang out around regularly and I just love her to pieces. I can’t wait for this new baby to be born so I can love on him or her just as much. Even still, it took me a couple days to be able to go see my friend and give her a huge hug and congratulations. And I truly mean it when I say I am so very happy for them. When she first sent me the picture of her positive pregnancy test I could have jumped and screamed for joy if I wasn’t at work when I got it. Even so, that evening after work when I got home, I literally sobbed for a good 45 minutes. Big old tears, can’t catch your breath, out loud sobbing that resulted in a headache. I was having the hardest time getting a grip. When will it be my turn? Of course her pregnancy is still secret at this time, but I told my husband and cried to him a little when he got home, and he just doesn’t understand. Pull yourself together Katelyn. 

I finally was able to go visit with her and share in the excitement a couple of days later. I am doing much better now but still kind of hard to be around someone who is pregnant, wishing I was going through all of the exciting changes. I dream of the day I can finally experience morning sickness, and I guarantee I will be smiling the whole time I’m puking.

I feel like I cannot get away from the constant reminder that I am not pregnant but want to be more than anything. Next tid bit, there is an older gentleman named Washington that I see quite often in the mornings before work. We both stop at the Wawa regularly and we have kind of developed a friendship over the past 2 years we’ve known each other. We have small talk and wish each other a happy day. Sometimes we go a while without seeing each other, so this morning was probably the first time in about a month that we have seen each other. Saw him in the parking lot as I was headed back to my car, so I went up to chat for a bit. As I was walking up to him, he asked, with his hand on his stomach, “Ohhhh, are we coming along?” Obviously, he was asking if I am pregnant. I told him, “No not pregnant, just gained some weight.” I think he felt bad for asking because he apologized and kind of stuttered a little. I don’t know why I felt the desire to tell him, but I did. I told him that we have been trying since November and it just hasn’t happened yet. He must have sensed the hurt I was feeling because he gave me a big hug (that’s a first) and told me “You’re beautiful as always.” I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. I guess it’s because I am married and everyone expected me to be pregnant by now, or maybe it’s because I’m about 30lbs overweight right now and look like I am expecting, or maybe it’s just that people do not understand… IT’S NOT OKAY TO ASK A WOMAN IF SHE’S PREGNANT! EVER! I got in my car, let out a big sigh and choked back a sob that threatened to escape while at the same time asking “God, why would you put me through this over and over again!?”, then drove my butt to work so I could get busy and be distracted.

Its family, its friends, its policyholders at work, its complete strangers. I promise you I get asked AT LEAST once a week if I am pregnant.

Today was supposed to be a busy Monday at work. My office manager is on vacation this week, so I am manning the office by myself. Past two weeks have been swamped every day. But today, the phone has rang maybe three times, I’ve had only two people come pay bills, and my beginning of day report had not the first late notice for me to do. So its quiet and slow and only making my brain spin. This is why I am writing this blog post while sitting at my office desk, nothing to do except think about not being pregnant.

Okay I am sure this is a long boring post. I got it all out there. Now, let me try to distract myself with something else now.