Keeping Busy

Christmas is just about here now and I have been keeping extremely busy!
A few quick updates.

Oscar:
Our sweet boy Oscar, that we thought was at the end of his life had his vet appointment, which was very emotional for Jonathan and I both. He did NOT want to go in the office, we practically had to carry him inside... and he's a BIG boy. Our vet evaluated him, because we weren't sure if it was time or not. In our vet's professional opinion, there was nothing leading him to believe that Oscar was suffering in any way. Yes, he has old man arthritis, and his heavy breathing is from damage done by having heartworms previously. But there is nothing majorly wrong with him. We were just not ready to say goodbye yet, so we gladly brought him home. I do think that once his legs stop working, that will be our sign that its time. Our vet did say he thought we may have another month with him, but we are coming up on that month mark now and he's still able to get up and outside on his own. We will keep him with us as long as he's able to do so. Another Christmas with him is absolutely wonderful.







Home Improvements:
We refurnished our entire living room with a new sectional, recliner, entertainment center, coffee table and end tables. I am soooo excited that we are continuing to invest in making our house into a home that we can be proud of and excited to have friends and family come over to visit. I have loved decorating our house for Christmas, and we have had both my mom and Jonathan's mom over on separate occasions for dinner. We usually NEVER have people over. Not because we don't want to, but we just never felt like our house was comfortable for company.

As a surprise, Jonathan started redoing out bathroom while I was out of town visiting family. He installed a new toilet and vanity. Once I got home, I helped him hang a new medicine cabinet that I am very excited about. A few more things to be hung before we can call it finished. (Towel Racks, Toilet paper holder, and hand towel ring.) I will be sure to share a few pics once completed.








Family:
I took a few days off work in the beginning of December so I could get some shopping done, visit some family, and kind of recoop after knowing that our fertility treatment failed. I made a 3.5 hour drive to Roanoke to spend some time with my Pampaw and Beaby (my grandpa and stepgrandma on my mom's side). I don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like to, but I try to make the trip at least twice a year. Majority of the family no longer keeps in touch with them, which breaks their hearts and in return makes me so sad for them. Long family history there and too much to go into detail, but they have ALWAYS loved me and tried to keep in touch, so I have no reasons of my own to be cold to them. My cousin recently got married and they were not invited to her wedding. I made sure to pull her up on Facebook and show them some photos so they could at least see her in her dress. We had a wonderful time just talking, eating dinner and drinking good wine. I did stay the night one of their guest rooms, had some breakfast the next morning and got on the road to head home around 11:30. They gave to me a wooden chair that belonged to my great grandmother, which is one of the many things they have promised to pass down to me. I am so excited to have that chair in my home and hopefully be able to pass down to my own child one day. Definitely was a short trip and forgot to get a updated photo of the three of us, always sad to leave. I plan on making the trip again in the spring and try to stay with them longer next time.

My Grandma (on my Dad's side), is HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL!!! So very glad to be able to say this because at one time it did not seem like she was going to make it. She did have to spend 2 weeks in a rehab to get her strength back, but is now happy at home on oxygen. I am looking forward to going to see her this Saturday.












Other:
Thursday 12/14 was my first day back at work from vacation and we had an accident right in front of our office. A woman on a scooter ran right into the back of a public transportation bus while it was stopped at the bus stop. I have no idea how she managed to do that, but the noise was horrible when she hit it. As I was running out the door and my coworker was calling 911, another accident happens RIGHT beside where the woman is laying in the road. (One car rear ended another). As I am walking up to her, I could just hear her screaming "Oh my god!" over and over. There were a few people already standing nearby but they were just staring at her not doing anything. She was pinned by her left leg under the scooter, but I immediately squatted down beside her and grabbed her hand. Her face was split open on her nose and cheek and blood was just pouring from her face. She was crying and kept asking me to take her helmet off (which was cracked on the top), I told her I couldn't do that and asked her to keep her head still because she kept moving it all around. I kept telling her that she was going to be okay and told her to take slow deep breaths. Finally, another man pulled over that knew first aid, and helped by holding her helmet to the ground so she couldn't move. I grabbed the toes on her right foot, which she said she could feel, but she said she couldn't feel her left leg and was hurting really bad. I felt so sorry for her and said a silent prayer right then asking God to just place his hands on her to protect her from anything more serious than a few broken bones. I wish I had asked her what her name was, and feel guilty that I didn't. But it all happened so fast, my adrenalin was pumping. All I could think to do was to keep telling her the ambulance was coming, she was going to be okay, and keep breathing calmly. She squeezed my hand a few time and every now and them would relax and take a slow deep breath. I hope I was able to provide her with a bit of comfort during such a traumatic event. When the ambulance pulled up I got out of the way and when they started to lift the scooter off of her, her screams made it unbearable to stand by. I had to walk back into the office or I would have lost my composure. My coworker's fiancé is the battalion chief for the local fire department, so we got an update the following morning. Her nose was broken, left leg severely broken, and pelvis shattered. I pray she has a easy recovery, but thank God that there wasn't anything more seriously damaged.



Other than those couple of updates, I have been go go go, pretty much every day. I had dinner one night with 2 friends, celebrated a 50th birthday for a friend of my mom, decorated, dinner with my sister-in-law, Christmastown Busch Gardens light tour, Dr appointment, Mother-in-law's work Xmas Party (family bowling), Christmas cookie decorating at the Father-in-law's house, Finished shopping, Christmas festivities with my work, Dinner with another girlfriend. I have a nail appointment this evening. I need to buy groceries for things I am cooking, need to finish wrapping last few items, and just need to keep my mind busy. I am on Provera right now until the day after Christmas which has me crampy and hot! But I am very excited to get this next cycle going so we can try Clomid again. 2018 WILL BE THE YEAR! I just know it.

PHOTO DUMP:

1st Round Unsuccessful

Well as the title says, my first round of Clomid failed to make me ovulate. I have been extremely emotional and disappointed for the past week. There were 2 times my temp rose but wasn’t sustained. Of course I had my hopes too high and ended in a huge disappointment.
I had mood swings, cramps, bloat, hot flashes, etc. but unfortunately it just didn’t do the trick.
Nothing much more to say about it.

I went in this morning to my OB so she could check for over stimulation, which I do not have. And also to look at my chart for herself. She wrote me a new Rx for Clomid at 100mg to try after I take Provera to induce my period. Will be doing days 5-9 again, and of course I know my hopes will be super high again. When leaving my appointment, my Dr said “we will all be keeping our fingers crossed for you,” which of course when she left the room I cried while putting my pants back on. Infertility is just such an emotional roller coaster, one second you’re feeling positive then the next like the whole world is pregnant except you. Which obviously I know isn’t true, but I saw another pregnancy announcement Tuesday. This girl I went to school with and her boyfriend, who have only been together for less than a year. Totally put me in a horrible funk after seeing that. I really wanted a BFP for Christmas and also to share some exciting news with family, but just wasn’t meant to be.

Just going to try to be more relaxed though as far as sex goes this next time. We were very active this last round, which was honestly more stressful I feel like. We will try to stick with every other day this time, so we can feel like we able to relax with less pressure. I was just so worried we would miss “O” day, that we did it practically every day, sometimes twice.

Definitely need to try to relax a little more next time, which I think will help.

I’m rambling. I’m down in the dumps, sorry.

If this next round doesn’t make me ovulate, I have decided I will go to a specialist for any future treatments. Simply to be monitored and maybe pointed in a different direction if that’s what we need. But we will take a break before going, just to have a mental break from it all.

Anywho, sorry for the negativity in this post. Just wanted to put an update on here. Praying for better luck this next round.

Emotional Wreck

I know these kind of posts are bound to be annoying, but this is where I come to lay it all out there.

So first, update on taking Clomid. Today is CD 15 and I haven’t ovulated yet. Which is really discouraging. I’m still hopeful that I will ovulate but hasn’t happened as of today.
The five days of taking it, I had several side effects. Vivid dreams, hot flashes, moody, bloated/swollen in my ovary areas, cramps, and most of all, I was ravenous!! Eating everything!
With all the side effects, I truly felt like the medicine was doing something. But the fact that I haven’t ovulated yet and side effects are all gone now, has me nervous that it didn’t work at all. Praying with every inch of me that it just hasn’t happened yet and will any day now.

Next on my list... our sweet old man Oscar. He’s been struggling for quite sometime with a few really bad days recently. After a fall this morning and not eating, Jonathan decided it was time to call the vet. He has an appointment tomorrow evening at 6:00 to end all his pain. Jonathan and I are broken hearted and will be grieving him for sometime. But for tonight, I promised to love on him and rub his belly and give him all the treats and make sure he knows how loved he is. We will be staying with him for the euthanasia procedure tomorrow so he hopefully won’t be too scared. It’s going to be so hard, but I always said that putting a loved pet down is the greatest last gift you can give them.
Jonathan and I will be missing a piece of our hearts without him in our home, but we know it’s time, he’s ready.


Next update, my Grandma (dad’s Mom) went into the hospital on Friday 11/17. Heart Failure, COPD. She’s been two packs a day smoker almost her whole life, and at 80 years old... they said she was a walking miracle that she hasn’t been on oxygen before now. Last Wednesday before Thanksgiving, it was looking like we were going to lose her. But what a turn around she made over the next few days! She’s been moved out of the ICU and is improving! Praise God! The power of prayer is truly amazing and I fully believe that it changes things. All of her 4 living children, her 10 grandkids, and 4 great grandkids plus loads of extended family and friends and been praying constantly for her and God has shown us how great he is.

Thanksgiving went by in a blur. Lots of cooking.

We went to a funeral on Saturday for Jonathan’s Aunt’s longtime boyfriend who passed away suddenly.

Two different pregnancy announcements I’ve had to endure. My cousins wife is pregnant with their second child. Which I took that news well. Then my close friend Katie... she’s been also TTC for a few months now, her and I have kept each other up to date. Well she just told me today that she is pregnant. She found out two weeks ago but was scared to tell me for fear of making me sad. Well, I am so incredibly happy for her and her husband. They are wonderful people and so deserve their rainbow baby! But it also makes my heart ache even more, wishing and praying that I will be able to have the same exciting news to share soon.

So ending the post here so I don’t go on and on about how sad I am right now. Going to try to keep my mind calm and keep my eyes on God throughout this difficult time.

Weekend Recap 11/10-11/12

This past weekend was an eventful one. Jonathan left Friday morning for a 3-day racing weekend in Kinston, NC. It’s a small track surrounded by cotton fields. I had originally planned on going with him but he left a day earlier than expected and I had to work. But what a weekend he had!!! Friday night he won the race out of 21 cars! Saturday night he was the Runner up, but still that is awesome to make it to the finals two nights in a row. Then on Sunday, he WON the race AGAIN!!! He was on cloud nine after having such an awesome weekend of racing. I am so incredibly proud of my husband for his determination and joy of racing. He has such a generous heart and spends so much time doing for others; so it makes me extremely happy that he is able to take time for himself doing something that he loves.

Gosh He's such a CUTIE!!!

Saturday was customer appreciate day at our local Tattoo parlor, and as part of the event they had specials on tattoos and a few vendors set up out front to be able to sell their products. My best friend Candace set up her Perfectly Posh table and her sister-in-law set up her LuLaRoe clothing. There were a few other vendors but those were the two people that I knew. So I decided to go up there and get a small one inch tattoo for only $30 (usually the minimum is $60 regardless of how small). I sat up there practically all day because the list was so long, but I figured I got there 9:40, and had waited for hours, I might as well continue to wait and get it done. And I LOVE it!!! (This is my 2nd tattoo. First one is rather large, its the Serenity Prayer on my back.)

After getting my tattoo done, which took the artist Autumn less than 5 minutes to complete, I headed home to finish up the banana pudding I was making for Friendsgiving at my friend’s house. It was my first time making banana pudding so I was a bit nervous about the taste but it was a HIT! There were 2 ingredients that I think made it sooooo good, plus I waited to assemble it right before the party so the cookies would still be crunchy.

 

1 (5.1oz) box of vanilla instant pudding

1 ½ cups whole milk

1 (14oz) can of sweetened condensed milk < secret ingredient #1

12oz cool whip

4 large bananas

1 (11oz) box of vanilla wafers (I didn’t use the whole box)

1 graham cracker pie crust crumbled and sprinkled throughout (my idea) < secret ingredient #2

Whisk first three ingredients until smooth, Fold in Cool Whip then assemble in layers as you see fit. 

 

Friendsgiving is something that I have been going to every year for about 6 years now with the same group of friends. Kathy and Kameron always host and some of the same people go every year. This year was a bit smaller than years past, but it was still so nice to spend some time with these people. We don’t all keep in touch through the year but spending time chatting and just enjoying the company is always a good time.

 

Sunday was my friend’s daughter, Lola’s, 2^nd Birthday. I went over her house a little early to help her prepare for the guests. It was a house FULL of people! And SOOOO MANY KIDS/BABIES/PREGNANT PEOPLE! Kind of put me in a funk during the party but a good friend of mine who is also TTC was texting back and forth with me, which was a good distraction. I was able to vent a little about feeling so out of place at the party, like the only one without a child of my own. Blah blah, I always talk about that so let me stop now.

 

Lola was so stinking cute in her purple tutu! And she LOVED the necklace and bracelet set I got her, she IMMEDIATELTY put them on. Such a girly girl! Loves her jewelry. Also, I was excited to wear my new LuLaRoe shirt and leggings I had purchased on Saturday (yes I wore them to friendsgiving also). Hard to tell in the picture, but the leggings are sooooo cute with Bees on them!

 

After winning the race last night, Jonathan did make the drive home. He arrived around 10:30 and I was so glad to see him. We watched tv awhile, then went to bed. My office manager is on vacation this week, so I am manning the office alone. Hopefully that helps this work week to go by quickly!

Clomid

October 26^th I had my Infertility Evaluation by my regular OBGYN. It went good and as expected. She ordered a semen analysis for Jonathan and wrote me a prescription for 50mg Clomid CD 5-9. We will be doing clomid unmonitored except for if I do not conceive/ovulate at all, she wants to check for OHSS. Everything that I was hoping for and had come to expect is what I got at my appointment and I am so grateful to my Doctor for that. 

I am officially on Day 4 of Provera to induce my next period and am extremely excited and anxious and nervous about trying Clomid for the first time. I have really high hopes that it will be successful in helping me to ovulate. My Doctor agreed with me by looking at my BBT charts that I am not ovulating. If it doesn’t work the first time we can always try again the following month, but I know I will be semi heartbroken if it fails the first round. Don’t get me wrong I am very excited to be finally on a medicine that will HOPEFULLY make my body do what it’s supposed to, but high hopes can come with high disappointment if it doesn’t work. But I need to relax and not stress because I believe that this will work and the Lord will answer our prayers to conceive. 

Jonathan isn’t pleased about having to do a test himself, but I told him if we want help then she wants to see that he doesn’t have any problems that would prevent us from conceiving on top of my problems. The fertility facility is allowing him to collect the sample at home and bring it to them within the hour of his appointment, which is the same day that my period should start. I hope they get the results back to my Dr. quickly so I can know for sure that things are okay on his end before I start the clomid on D5. Which I will start regardless, but just eases my mind to know. 

So, just because I am the kind of person that likes to plan out everything… if you couldn’t already tell how obsessive I am with planning. I will finish my 10 days of Provera 11/12/17, period usually starts 2 days later, so 11/14 would be CD1. Then will take clomid CD5-9 (11/18-11/22), will hopefully ovulate between CD14-CD20 (11/27-12/3). THENNNN, if I did ovulate and we do conceive, then I will hopefully have a positive pregnancy test around 12/13!!! Ok, ok, I know I am crazy obsessing by planning this far out, but a girl can dream right? 

Will be saying lots of prayers that clomid does the trick and we will be able to share some good news with our family for Christmas this year. <3 

Coming up on a year...

Well after nearly a year of TTC with no luck, I finally called my OB’s office to schedule an appointment for an Infertility Evaluation. I called early due to the fact that I just wanted to get an appointment in the books as something to kind of look forward to. When I called though, they had appointments available as early as the following week.  I reluctantly asked the scheduler if that would be okay since it really hasn’t been a year yet, she asked me how close it was and I told her that I quit birth control pill in November 2016 and started trying. She said that it was close enough and should be fine.

The way I look at it, I’m on CD 25 now. I should start my 6^th round of Provera to start my period on 11/3 (CD35). Take that for 10 days, then at least 2 more days for my period to start, makes it 11/15. Which by the time that CD 35 would roll around again would be 12/19, which is PAST the one year mark and right at the holidays. So I am pleased to have an appointment scheduled earlier due to my long cycles would be pushing it back further and further. I just hope that my Dr doesn’t give me a hard time by not waiting until the end of November. The dates just don’t work out well to do that.

So since I know I have my appointment coming up in two days, I’ve been feeling stressed about it. Not about the appointment exactly, because I am so happy to finally be taking the next steps. All this time trying and failing has been extremely disappointing and has had me an emotional mess several times. But I guess I feel stressed because I am kind of berating myself for only trying for a year. I don’t know why I am doing it to myself. I guess because I read all these stories of women that try naturally for 18 months, 2 years, 5 years or more before going to see a doctor, and I just don’t have the patience to wait that long. I don’t want to rush things but at the same time, I am just so ready to become a mother and nurture and raise a child. I want to make Jonathan a father and my parents into grandparents. I know I shouldn’t feel bad for going so soon, so trying to push those thoughts out of my mind.

With temping the past 2 cycles, it is very evident that I am not ovulating. And if that doesn’t occur than no matter how much Jonathan and I try, it won’t happen. My Dr pushed aside my comment about PCOS earlier this year, well now is finally time to test and see for sure whether I have it or not. I have no doubt that PCOS is the cause of not being pregnant on top of several other (embarrassing) things that I experience. But only a Dr can give a formal diagnosis, so that is what I am expecting to hear from her after she runs some tests.

I don’t know what her plan of action will be but I have done research and kind of think it may go like this. Blood work and Ultrasound (my first ever, not sure why but I am super excited about this), to look at my ovaries. I would think she may prescribe me 50mg of Clomid to see if that makes me ovulate. Which I know can cause multiples, but that’s not a worry I have. If the Lord wants us to have more than one, then so be it. I also believe that God gave us the knowledge, technology, medicine, and doctors that can help women have children.

Next stressor is if she wants me to be monitored throughout or not. I know its best to be monitored, but would prefer to do at least one cycle not, since I do chart my BBT to check for ovulation. Being monitored would come with lots of appointments, which would require me telling my coworker what is going on. I’ve been leading her to believe that we aren’t ready and still use protection. Well I guess I’ll admit, I have been straight up lying to her about it. And I don’t feel very good about that, but I have my reasons. One, I don’t want the added pressure of people knowing and expecting. Two, she’s very negative about the idea of me getting pregnant now. Three, ttc is a very personal and private thing. Not to mention especially emotional for a couple that is struggling.  She thinks I am going in for blood work to refill my Provera Rx this Thursday. I am just waiting to see how my appointment goes and what my Dr. says before I decide whether to fess up or not. I am tempted to just keep it private still and tell her that I have something going on that need to be checked on and leave it at that. Just sucks because we are so close being just me and her in the office, I hate lying to her but just don’t need her bringing me down with any negativity. I enjoy working with someone that I get along with so well, but just certain things that she does and the way she carries herself makes me want to keep her at a distance. 

Last thing thats really on my mind is how Jonathan feels. He doesn't talk about it much, but he never really talks much about how he feels on anything. When I told him that I scheduled an appointment and why, he said "ok, i love you." Which really should be all the reassurance I need to proceed. But I wish he will tell me more so I know exactly what he is feeling and thinking about it. But I guess men just really don't talk about their feelings very much. I really hope if he has any reservations that he will discuss them with me. He propably is on board with what I want and what I am doing, but I still worry that he may not be 100% ready. Everyone says though, you are never truly ready. And I whole heartedly believe that. I am scared and worried and stressed and nervous about the thought of getting pregnant and having a child, but I want it more than anything. And I am willing to go through all of that to make this come true. I know that it is my destiny to become a mother and love my child. 

Will update more after my appointment on Thursday. 

"When God Says Wait"

Its been a little while. 

Just wanted to make a post to put something’s down on paper…uhmmm the internet. 

Jonathan and I went on a week vacation with his family the beginning of August, did everything in our power plus some to conceive because it was in what would be my “fertile week.” Well it didn’t work… again. 

I started doing some research on supplements I could try to help with my hormones/cycle and came across Pregnitude and Premama. I ordered both on Amazon Prime and had them delivered same day. Started the Pregnitude right away and plan to take the Premama as soon as I run out of Pregnitude. (They are the exact same ingredients.) So I plan on giving these 2 months to see how they work. 

Well tomorrow would have been CD 35 and when I would have started Provera again to induce my cycle, but after only 4 days of taking Pregnitude, I woke up and realized I STARTED MY PERIOD ON MY OWN!!!! I am completely ecstatic! Not sure if the Pregnitude did the trick, or could be my weight loss. (12lbs in about 6 weeks thanks to Nutrisystem). Either way, I am so excited that I started without Provera. I am hopeful that I will also ovulate this cycle. I’m not sure if I have been ovulating, but I plan on starting to temp this cycle to confirm. I figure since this is our 10^th month trying, might as well start temping now. If we make it a whole year and haven’t conceived, the Dr. will probably want me to temp anyways, so I’m getting a head start. 

I started reading a book yesterday called “When God Says Wait,” by Elizabeth Laing Thompson. Its very encouraging and providing me with some tools to get through this time of waiting. One verse that it discusses is Lamentations 3:21-26, 32-33

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord… Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone. 

God does not want me to suffer. He doesn’t want me to hurt.

Another excerpt… “Waiting seasons aren’t fun, but they are opportunities. Through our waiting seasons—yes, through the not knowing—we can build character one step at a time. Through our waiting seasons, perseverance can gradually “finish” its never-ending work in us. As waiting does its thing, and God does His, we get the chance to become our best selves, the people God designed us to be.”

I just wanted to share these couple of things because they are meaningful to me and maybe someday, someone may read my blog and find peace in the same things that are bringing me peace today. After my period is over, Jonathan and I will get back to work doing everything in our power to conceive. If it is God’s will for me to conceive now, then it will happen. If not, then I will just have to continue to wait.